8 on Eight: October Contest Feedback

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Thank you to all the brave souls who entered this month’s 8 on Eight contest! Sharing your writing takes courage, and we appreciate your enthusiasm for our contest.

If your name wasn’t drawn from the Triwizard cup this time around, keep an eye out for when our next contest window opens at 8 PM on October 30th. Below, we’ve posted the first 8 lines from this month’s winner, along with feedback from at least eight of our members. We also encourage our readers to share their (constructive) suggestions and encouragement in the comments section below.

Bear with Bear – A picture book about an unusual child who wishes to have an unusual pet.

Bear was exploring a maggot he found in an apple.
“I think you’ll be a scientist like me when you grow up,” Dad said with a smile.
“Yeah!” Bear waved the magnifying glass. “And I’ll have my pet maggot and even a pet snake!”
“Yuck, snakes,” Bear’s little sister, Penelope, said. Then she noticed the maggot and mouthed a long eww.
“What’s that?” Mom twisted up her mouth at the sight of the maggot. “Someone might eat that by mistake,” she said, and threw Bear’s pet into the garbage disposal.

 

Gita: Thanks for sharing this with us! I love this concept. The idea of a strange and unusual pet is charming and I think both children and parents will find it fun. I like that you will be opening their minds to all sorts of new pet possibilities!:) I feel sympathy for Bear when his mom throws his maggot into the garbage disposal, but I wondered if the family as a whole wasn’t a little too familiar or predictable. There’s the adventurous boy, the scientist dad, the little sister who doesn’t like maggots or snakes, and the squeamish mom. Might you consider giving each one a twist that would make them feel more fresh?

Jessica: This is a fun idea! I agree with Gita that it feels somewhat predictable; perhaps looks for a fresh way to introduce the story that will heighten the emotional stakes. Right now, it reads that Bear just found the maggot (he hasn’t even named it yet) so we don’t feel an emotional impact when Mom throws it away. Good luck!

Kristi: Thanks for entering and congratulations on being chosen! I agree with the above comments so I won’t rehash what’s already been said. My first thought is actually concerning your first line. You’re writing about a strange, interesting and new pet– a maggot! There’s got to be a  really exciting way to start this story off. A stand-out first line will grab your reader. It’ll give Bear a voice that immediately creates that bond Jessica hinted at. All the  best as you move forward with this project!

Michelle: So cute and kids love books about creatures that make us squeamish like maggots and snakes! I agree with all of the above and think Kristi’s idea to add some punch to your opening line will go a long way in drawing in your young reader’s interest! For ideas on writing great opening lines, you might want to check this post! I’d also suggest that you think about what can be shown in illustration to leave out unnecessary words like “said Dad with a smile.” I’m a little confused about “A picture book about an unusual child who wishes to have an unusual pet” because we’re talking about a bear not a child. And what makes him unusual. We should probably get a sense of this immediately. Best wishes on your writing! Keep in touch!

Sussu: Thank you for submitted your writing to our contest. Picture books are still hot and we need more.

First of all, I really like the idea of the story: an unusual child who wants an unusual pet. That tells me diversity is going to be on the menu, and more diverse books is a great idea. I was engaged by the story from the start. I felt so disappointed not to know the ending. You got me. The story also shows kids that even a maggot is important and we should care for and respect every living creature. This powerful theme will probably appeal to children. I also like the family dynamics. I could feel the energy and every bear’s personality. I think the story will do just fine. I was hooked and the mention of the maggot surprised me, which is really what you want to do too. My only concern about this story is the diversity. Bear stories are the staple of many childhood, so maybe a different character might work better or surprise us more. Think of a family of birds caring for a maggot. Now, that would be something else. As an illustrator, I see more potential with a character we do not expect. I agree with Michelle that if your intention is to show an unusual character, then go wild with the idea. Being unusual could be interpreted in so many ways; the character could have an handicap too. When we write stories, it is always a good idea to think of our readers and to reach out to all audiences.

This being said, this story is charming and I can see the appeal. Good luck with it.

Julie I agree with what’s been said. Stories with gross factor and unusual twists like a pet maggot seem to have lasting appeal with target age group for PBs (3-5 year-olds), but this needs a fresh angle to stand out. So what can you do to draw the reader into Bear’s story in a fresh way? Make us empathize with his desire for a new, unusual pet, make us sad when the maggot goes down the drain, and make us cheer for him when he eventually (I hope) saves the maggot from the disposal. Is there anything you can do that will turn the traditional gender stereotypes in the current draft on their head? Take the kernel of story you’ve got here and do some brainstorming to see what you come up with. Best of luck!

Richelle: Thank you for sharing! Like my fellow Pennies, I liked the idea of an unusual pet — my children are riveted by the myriad of insects and other un-fuzzy pets that the science teacher at their school keeps in his classroom. I can see this idea resonating. I also agree that your opening line could have more pop and that the strict gender divisions could hurt your story’s chances. I don’t have a good sense of Bear’s emotional connection to the maggot. Why does he decide the maggot should be a pet instead of a pest? How does he feel about his family’s reactions? Does he have a vision for the kind of pet the maggot will be? (When my children ask for pets, they invariably tell me how they will play with them and care for them — tell us how Bear thinks life will be better with a maggot pet!) Finally, I recommend making a dummy — it will really help you see what words/descriptions are extraneous. Good luck!

Karin: I love the idea of an unusual pet, but as there are already many books out there on this subject, be sure to check them out, like Strictly No Elephants and Rhinos Don’t Eat Pancakes. Your first line could be stronger, and I think bear would be “observing” rather than “exploring” the maggot in his apple. And why does Bear say that when he’s a scientist, he’ll also have a pet snake? We want to know why Bear loves the maggot so much that he wants him as a pet. If he’s going to be a scientist, is Bear trying to see how maggot wiggles or how he boroughs a tunnel? For example, you could start like this: “Bear peered through his magnifying glass at Maggot, who was nibbling a tiny tunnel through his apple.” I love the idea of a pet maggot as it’s unique and offers lots of opportunity to explore why a maggot would make a good pet. Maybe he even chomps through Bear’s garbage, turning it into compost! 🙂

 

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2 thoughts on “8 on Eight: October Contest Feedback

    1. Thanks for sharing your work with us! Small tweaks can make a huge difference when writing picture books. Best wishes!

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