Four on 400: March Feedback

Thank you to all the brave souls who entered this month’s Four on 400 contest! Sharing your writing takes courage, and we appreciate your enthusiasm for our contest.

Below, we’ve posted the first 400 words from this month’s winner, along with feedback from at least four of our members. We also encourage our readers to share their (constructive) suggestions and encouragement in the comments section below.

 

HEART OF THE HUDSON

MG Historical Fiction

“When I see the likes o’ ‘im,” Mrs. Macgregor bellowed, lumbering into the kitchen and across the freshly scrubbed floor, “I’ll give ‘im a slap on the ear!”

Cara ducked her head and curled into a ball as she knelt by the wash bucket on the floor.

“When ‘e fancies showin’ up, send ‘im in ‘ere,” Mrs. Macgregor said and huffed out of the kitchen through the drawing room door.

Cara pushed herself to her feet and surveyed the trail of footprints. “Ugh,” she groaned, knowing she’d have to start over. If the floors weren’t spotless, she’d pay for it later.

The back door opened a crack and Will peeked through the opening.

“Well, speak of the devil,” Cara said, glaring at him.

Will lifted a finger to his lips, shushing her. “Where’s Igor?” he whispered, using the nickname they called Mrs. Macgregor.

“Follow the footprints,” Cara said, angrily gesturing with a sweep of her hand.

Will eased the door open, but stood awkwardly in the entrance.

“You were supposed to be here hours ago.” Cara dropped the brush into the bucket and droplets of water littered the floor.

“I lost track of time.” Will raised his arm, hoisting a line of fish in front of him. “This should make her happy!”

“Your fish don’t fool me. What have you been up to?”

Cara planted her hands on her hips and rose to her full height. She still only reached the top of his shoulder, so she narrowed her eyes disapprovingly.

“You sound more like Igor every day.” Will frowned as he stepped through the doorway.

Cara ignored his biting remark. “I can tell you’re up to no good. There’s something different about you.” She wrinkled her nose. “I could smell you before I could see you, so it’s not a girl you’re trying to impress.”

She took in her older brother’s ruffled appearance – his knee-worn pants and ill-fitting shirt that exposed two inches of forearm. Will squirmed as Cara looked him over from head to toe, like he was a prized hog at the market. Will’s curly, black hair was matted and he sported the ever present dirt smudges on his face.

Honestly,” she said. “How can a person who practically lives on the water get so dirty?”

Fear prickled along her skin. Will’s blue eyes sparkled – almost feverishly. “You’ve been out to the ship!” she gasped.

Gita: Thank you for sharing the beginning of THE HEART OF THE HUDSON with us. I love (and write) historical fiction and by the time I got to the disparity between Cara’s fear and Will’s feverish excitement over the mysterious ship, I was eager to read on. Because beginnings are so important, I’d love to see you get the reader to that point more directly. I’m curious about your choice to start with Mrs Macgregor—in particular, with her dialogue. Not only is it in dialect, but your story’s first lines are uttered by a character who soon exits the scene. My preference—both in writing and reading—is to use word choice and word order to convey dialect. For me, changing the spelling would be a last resort if I felt the character’s voice wasn’t clear enough. I’m also wondering: do you need to start the scene with Mrs Macgregor? Another option would be to see how it feels starting with your protagonist Cara, bent over the wash bucket, just before Will comes in, at which point Cara’s angry statement, “You were supposed to be here hours ago,” introduces the real action and gets us closer to the conflict. Good luck with this! Happy writing!

Laurel: I really enjoyed the strong moment at the end. I felt Cara putting the pieces together to come to a conclusion. The excitement about the ship jumps right off the page. As a reader, I’m in the moment. I want to know what’s going to happen with that ship. This line really gives us Will’s personality: “‘Where’s Igor?’ he whispered, using the nickname they called Mrs. Macgregor.” Personally, I find it challenging to begin a story with a line of dialogue. It took me years to realize that SHOW DON’T TELL doesn’t always apply to the first line of a story. A quick sketch of setting or situation is a much more efficient start. So, I say, be brave, go ahead and TELL at the beginning. And then don’t TELL anywhere else. For example: “Will lifted a finger to his lips, shushing her.” is a SHOW AND TELL. For example, “lifted a finger to his lips” SHOWS what “shushing her” TELLS. I always cut the TELL when I find these in my own writing. Two little details: who is Will trying to impress? What kind of living on the water keeps you clean? A tiny bit more of Cara’s thought process could set the reader up nicely for the realization at the end. Looks like a lively story!

 Gabrielle: Thanks so much for sharing your story! I think You’ve got some great character development right at the start, and I’m especially fond of the way Cara draws herself up to look at Will. We get a sense of both her character, and her appearance in relation to him, which is great. I agree with Laurel that it would be better not to start with a line of dialog. You can give us some more setting and sensory experience that will draw us closer to Cara before you dive into the stakes. Even a sentence or two will do a lot to pull us further into the scene. I think Igor’s (their nickname is too funny) dialect is a little too much. You can achieve the same effect, and tone it back. It’s a little distracting. I really like the twist of the last sentence, where she figures out what he’s been up to, but you defuse it by naming the emotion. You can give us a little more of her experience in the moment here, to go with her physical reaction, and then trust your reader. If an idea of where he’s been comes to her, wafting on a thick scent of mudflats and seawater–and if then her skin prickles and her stomach drops, we’re going to know she’s figured out something that scares her. I’d love to learn more about that intriguing ship!

Halli: Thank you so much for sharing your work! I love when people go for it. It’s a scary, but necessary part of our industry. First let me say I really like Cara and Will! I can see myself following them on many adventures and I don’t even know what they’re up to yet 🙂  I do like the way you really put Cara’s personality out there – by having her rise to her full height even though she’s shorter than Will – as just one example. She is definitely the more level-headed one of the two. As some of the others mentioned, I was thrown a bit by the first sentence. I read it a few times before I really got it. Is introducing this character necessary at the very beginning? The way you described Cara with the bucket and her dismay at the footprints clearly shows her position and situation. I enjoyed the last half of the submission even more and found myself trying to figure out where Will had been right along with Cara.

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BOOK REVIEW: STAND UP AND SING!

I don’t normally review picture books, but when one of my fellows at The Winged Pen mentioned there was a chance to review STAND UP AND SING! Pete Seeger, Folk Music and the Path to Justice, I jumped at the chance. As a singer, social justice advocate, and fan of Pete Seeger, how could I not? The truth is, this book is important–not only because of the accomplishments of a man who committed himself fully to his truth, and to bringing people together to make real change in the world. It’s important because of the divisions, and diversions, of our world right now. As Peter Yarrow, folk-famous in his own right, says in his forward, “What Pete taught us is how to keep on keepin’ on, how to keep on singing, how to not become cynical, and how to turn challenge and adversity into greater determination and love for one another.” I can’t think of a more timely message, for adults and children of all stripes, as well as for musicians, artists and writers.

The book is a biography, and right from the start, it’s clear that the author, Susanna Reich, put love and effort into her research. She’s given us Pete’s early life, through the dark days of the depression, and shares how music gave him a way to connect to the experiences of others. He took these experiences and made music a vehicle to share his hopes and fears, and to bring people together.

Pete Seeger’s work to support Unions, as a key player in the Civil Rights Movement at Dr. King’s side, and as a pacifist, are explored without shying away from some of the dangers and challenges this brought into his life. Without being moralistic, STAND UP AND SING! tells the story of one man, and how he found a way to come to terms with things he disliked about the world–a way which gave others strength and courage to continue fighting for social justice. The illustrations by Adam Gustavson, are atmospheric and evocative throughout.

The book is not a light read. It offers deep, age-appropriate, insight into Pete Seeger’s life, but although there’s a lot of text, it is balanced by the number, and quality, of the illustrations. STAND UP AND SING! is a book that families and classrooms can, and in my view should, share together as a way to have important conversations about what each of us stands for, how we choose to stand, and being yourself, even in the face of great adversity.

Gabrielle Byrne lives in the rainy wilds of the Pacific Northwest with her husband, two daughters, and a wide variety of critters. She writes middle grade fantasy, and is a mentor for the Pitch Wars contest. You can find her on twitter at @GKByrne. She’s represented by Catherine Drayton at Inkwell Management.

Bill Blume and the Teenager Vampire Hunter

 Bill Blume

Website: http://www.billblume.net/gidion01.html

Bill works as a 911 dispatcher for Henrico County Police.

He served as the 2013 chair for James River Writers.

Despite the red covers, little blood is spilled. Gidion is the younger male version of Sookie Stackhouse and Veronica Mars.

A fast-paced thriller. A witty boy. Written by a police expert. Fresh spin on the vampire trope from the hunter’s perspective. Appropriate for MG and YA readers. Last, but not least: funny.

As Gidion closes in on the Richmond coven, he must save his teacher, his girlfriends and his BFF who is a feeder.
A cunning assassin brings more danger. Three generations of secrets spill and shatter Gidion’s beliefs about vampires.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sussu: After writing a review of the exciting duology “Gidion’s Hunt” and “Gidion’s Blood,” the story of a vampire hunter, I thought the next logical step was to ask Bill Bloome for an interview. Welcome Bill to The Winged Pen.

Bill Blume: I remember your review, because it made my day when I saw it. My son was an advanced middle-grade reader when the first book came out, and it was cool to see someone recognize it wasn’t a book that’s exclusive to the YA crowd (even if that was the originally intended market).

Sussu: What choices did you make in order to make the story attractive to boys?

Bill Blume: The main reason I knew boys would be more inclined to like it is probably the most obvious: the protagonist is a boy. The YA market targets girls most of the time (folks more knowledgeable than I am have helped me realize just how complicated an issue that is). I think part of the reason Gidion works well for boys is because his character hits on a lot of the things every boy wants to be at that age: smart, tough, and clever. One review of the book called it a mix of Blade, Encyclopedia Brown, and John Hughes films, which isn’t far off the mark. Most of all, Gidion is at that age where he’s fighting to prove he’s ready to be an adult, which I think any reader at that age can relate to.

Sussu: Why did you choose to write a vampire novel with no gore?

Bill Blume: It’s funny you mention the gore, because I get mixed reactions on that. I certainly don’t dwell on it, because I’m more interested in exploring Gidion’s search for answers. Gidion is basically like a love child of Buffy, the Vampire Slayer and Michael Westen from Burn Notice.

Burn Notice brought a common sense approach to spy work, and Gidion brings that same kind of common sense way of doing things to hunting vampires.

Sussu: I think kids will connect with the realistic and believable aspect of the story. How did you choose your vampires?

Bill Blume: My goal, before I even realized it would be a YA novel, was to write the best damn vampire hunter story ever. I wanted it to feel as real as possible, like this could happen around us with most people never noticing. Most of all, I wanted my protagonist to be all human. So many supernatural series make the big bads so tough, they have to give the heroes powers to even the playing field. Keeping Gidion de-powered meant going the other way, making the vampires more human, too.

Sussu: Did working in TV news help you as a writer?

Bill Blume: Honestly, no. The biggest contribution had to be working as a 911 dispatcher, which I’ve done for 15 years now. If you’d told me years ago that working in law enforcement would help me write a vampire hunter novel, I’d never have believed it, but it informed the book a lot.

Sussu: What TV shows or novels influenced you?

Bill Blume: Have to give Burn Notice its due. The voice for Michael Westen is also Gidion’s. The guy I got to voice Gidion in the book trailers even watched clips of the show to get the cadence. Only reason I started watching the show was because I was teaching a training class at work and was told I sound like Michael Westen (they were right!).

Sussu: How cool! What is a word you live by?

Bill Blume: The best word to describe me is probably “stubborn.” Haha! It can be such a negative trait so often, but it can be helpful when you need to finish something that requires a long time to stay focused. Writing a book takes a long time, and you doubt yourself more than you don’t as you’re writing. I’m 80,000 words into a non-Gidion YA book that’s very different for me, more character-driven than plot. There’s no guarantee it’ll get published, but by God, I will get this rough draft finished before the end of the month. Very different voice for me, too. Gidion comes naturally, this new character does not.

Sussu: Does that mean no more Gidion’s books?

Bill Blume: Sadly, Gidion is shelved for the moment. The first two books need to prove themselves a little more to the publisher before they will greenlight a third. A manuscript was started, and I know where his story goes next, but the first two books also provide his first major arc. A third book would start him on a new journey, and one day I plan to go back. Don’t think I could abandon Gidion. He’s become a part of me. His quirk for good luck charms and numbers has even infected me. He also turned me into a big, BIG Tim Drake fan. I collect DC comics now to follow Tim, and before that I was a Marvel fan all the way.

 Sussu: It was wonderful having you here. I appreciate your time.

Bill Blume: Thank you! This was a lot of fun.

 

If you liked this interview brought to you by Sussu Leclerc, visit her blogs, at Novel Without Further Ado and Book Riders for MG readers. Connect with her on Twitter and Pinterest. Thanks for reading.

 

Star in MG / YA Magazines

Although often not lucrative, magazine publications can offer you many benefits.

  • They help your name get out there and stand out from the crowd of writers;
  • they can give you a unique insight into the publication world;
  • they can help you be more productive and serve as experimental pieces;
  • they can help you connect with other authors;
  • you might attract the attention of an editor and get further and better offers such as writing for series;
  • finally but not least, short story credits will impress agents or editors because it tells them your work is worth both reading and paying for.

(NB: *CTS! Means “Closed To Submission.” Some magazines only accept submissions at specific times.)

 

Middle Grade Magazines:

CRICKET. Covers all ages. Have many different magazines: Babybugs, Clicks. Ladybug. Ask (arts and sciences). Spider. Cricket. Cobblestone (American history). Dig Into History. Faces (cultures). Muse (Fun science and tech). Cicada (YA). Welcome works by writers from underrepresented groups. <http://www.cricketmedia.com/submission-guidelines?_ga=1.139948403.1938444544.1485226635 >

EMBER. MG and YA. Age 10 to 18. Poetry, fiction, flash fiction, creative nonfiction. <http://emberjournal.org/submission-guidelines/>

 

 

 

FROSTFIRE WORLDS. Ages 8-18. Fantasy and science fiction stories up to 6000 words with strong world-building. Adventure stories, space opera, and magic opera. Also accept poems, art, articles, reviews, and interviews.<http://albanlake.com/guidelines-frostfire/>

NEW MOON. Girls 8 to 12. Fiction and non-fiction.
Show powerful women in charge of their lives. Show parents how to support girls “to express their voices, strengths, needs, problems, and dreams.” <http://newmoon.com/getting-published-daughters-com/>

SPACEPORTS & SPIDERSILK. Short stories, poems, art, brief essays on science and the environment, interviews, quizzes, fantasy, science fiction, and mild horror. Open to hard to sell stories. <http://nomadicdeliriumpress.com/spaceportsgl.htm>

 

WEE TALES. Magical, heart pounding tales, 2000 words maximum. <https://goldenfleecepress.com/submissions/>

 

 

YOUNG EXPLORER’S ADVENTURE GUIDE. Combine adventure, space, and science. Diverse characters, strong girls, and fun. <http://dreamingrobotpress.com/young-explorers-adventure-guide-submissions/>

 

 

YA Magazines:

 BALLOONS. 12 years-old and up. Looking for unconventional materials, “elements that could enlighten and amaze the young minds.” <http://www.balloons-lit-journal.com/submission.html>

CAST OF WONDERS. YA science fiction or high fantasy for podcasting. *CTS! <http://www.castofwonders.org/submissions/>

CBAY. Teens. Fantasy or science fiction. *CTS! <http://www.cbaybooks.com/submission-guidelines.html>

 

 

CRICKET. Covers all ages. Have many different magazines: Babybugs, Clicks. Ladybug. Ask (arts and sciences). Spider. Cricket. Cobblestone (American history). Dig Into History. Faces (cultures). Muse (Fun science and tech).

Cicada (YA). Welcome works by writers from underrepresented groups.   <http://www.cricketmedia.com/submission-guidelines?_ga=1.139948403.1938444544.1485226635>

 

EMBER. Ages 10 to 18. Poetry, fiction, flash fiction, creative nonfiction. <http://emberjournal.org/submission-guidelines/>

FOREST FOR THE TREES. Poetry, fiction and creative nonfiction up to 6,000 words. <https://ffttjournal.wordpress.com/contactsubmit/>

FROSTFIRE WORLDS. 8-18 and beyond. Fantasy and science fiction stories up to 6000 words with strong world-building. Adventure stories, space opera, and magic opera. Also accept poems, art, articles, reviews, and interviews. <http://albanlake.com/guidelines-frostfire/>

 

HUNGER MOUNTAIN. Short stories, poetry, novel/novella excerpts, and creative nonfiction. Follows themes. <http://hungermtn.org/submit/>

LUNCH TICKET. YA short stories and flash fiction up to 5,000 words. <https://lunchticket.submittable.com/submit/11940/young-adult-writing-for-young-people-13>

ONE TEEN STORY. Literary fiction between 3,000 and 8,000 words. <http://www.one-story.com/index.php?page=submit&pubcode=os>

 

 

REFRACTIONS. YA fantasy with a delicate, magical touch, 5000 words maximum. <https://goldenfleecepress.com/submissions/>

SPACEPORTS & SPIDERSILK. Short stories, poems, art, brief essays on science and the environment, interviews, quizzes, fantasy, science fiction, and mild horror. Opened to hard to sell stories. <http://nomadicdeliriumpress.com/spaceportsgl.htm>

SUCKER LITERARY. YA fiction up to 10,000 words. *CTS! <https://suckerliterarymagazine.wordpress.com/submission-guidelines/>

SUDDENLY LOST IN WORDS. Poetry, short stories, and memoirs up to 3000 words.
<http://writingcareer.com/suddenly-lost-in-words-re-opens-for-ya-short/>

YARN. Poetry, essays up to 3000 words, and fiction up to 6000 words. <http://yareview.net/how-to-submit/>

YOUTH IMAGINATION. Real issues facing teens, from 200 to 20K words. <http://youthimagination.silverpen.org/index.php/submission-guidelines>

 

 

CONCLUSION:

Think of making your stories crossover because it is difficult to find magazines looking for specific genres you might specialize in. You could make your YA stories reaching into adult realms. You could, for example, submit to TOR and CICADA at the same time.

Keep in mind that magazines pay little but expect the best.

Some magazines will only accept excerpts. Read guidelines carefully.

Have fun exploring and submitting!

 

Resource:

Duotrop Magazine List. < duotrope.com >

♥♥♥

If you liked this article, visit Sussu’s blogs, at Novel Without Further Ado and Book Riders for MG readers. Connect with her on Twitter and Pinterest.

Thanks for reading

 

 

Our February #Fouron400 Kidlit Writing Contest Window is now Open!


Q: What is Four on 400? 

A monthly contest that provides ONE LUCKY MG or YA WRITER with feedback on their opening 400 WORDS! As part of our ongoing mission to support writers, we’ll give a MG or YA writer feedback on their work from four of The Winged Pen’s contributors.

Q: Sounds exciting! How do I enter?

To enter, simply comment at the bottom of this post! At 4pm (EST) on the 5th of February, one winner will be randomly drawn from the Triwizard Cup. The winner will be notified and given 24 hours to submit his or her opening 400 WORDS. On the fourteenth of the month, the winner’s words, along with the title and genre of the work, will be posted to our blog with feedback from four of our members. Still have questions? See our Four on 400 page for additional details.

If you’re not sure how to leave a comment, check our FAQ page!

*Please check your email SPAM filter to make sure it will allow an email from info@thewingedpen.com

Want a chance to win an extra entry? Go to our Facebook page and find our post about the February Four on 400 contest. Then like and/or share our post. While you’re there, like our Facebook page if you haven’t already!

Remember, the contest window is only open until 4pm EST on February 5th, so don’t wait––enter now! Good Luck!