8 on Eight: October Contest Feedback

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Thank you to all the brave souls who entered this month’s 8 on Eight contest! Sharing your writing takes courage, and we appreciate your enthusiasm for our contest.

If your name wasn’t drawn from the Triwizard cup this time around, keep an eye out for when our next contest window opens at 8 PM on October 30th. Below, we’ve posted the first 8 lines from this month’s winner, along with feedback from at least eight of our members. We also encourage our readers to share their (constructive) suggestions and encouragement in the comments section below.

Bear with Bear – A picture book about an unusual child who wishes to have an unusual pet.

Bear was exploring a maggot he found in an apple.
“I think you’ll be a scientist like me when you grow up,” Dad said with a smile.
“Yeah!” Bear waved the magnifying glass. “And I’ll have my pet maggot and even a pet snake!”
“Yuck, snakes,” Bear’s little sister, Penelope, said. Then she noticed the maggot and mouthed a long eww.
“What’s that?” Mom twisted up her mouth at the sight of the maggot. “Someone might eat that by mistake,” she said, and threw Bear’s pet into the garbage disposal.

 

Gita: Thanks for sharing this with us! I love this concept. The idea of a strange and unusual pet is charming and I think both children and parents will find it fun. I like that you will be opening their minds to all sorts of new pet possibilities!:) I feel sympathy for Bear when his mom throws his maggot into the garbage disposal, but I wondered if the family as a whole wasn’t a little too familiar or predictable. There’s the adventurous boy, the scientist dad, the little sister who doesn’t like maggots or snakes, and the squeamish mom. Might you consider giving each one a twist that would make them feel more fresh?

Jessica: This is a fun idea! I agree with Gita that it feels somewhat predictable; perhaps looks for a fresh way to introduce the story that will heighten the emotional stakes. Right now, it reads that Bear just found the maggot (he hasn’t even named it yet) so we don’t feel an emotional impact when Mom throws it away. Good luck!

Kristi: Thanks for entering and congratulations on being chosen! I agree with the above comments so I won’t rehash what’s already been said. My first thought is actually concerning your first line. You’re writing about a strange, interesting and new pet– a maggot! There’s got to be a  really exciting way to start this story off. A stand-out first line will grab your reader. It’ll give Bear a voice that immediately creates that bond Jessica hinted at. All the  best as you move forward with this project!

Michelle: So cute and kids love books about creatures that make us squeamish like maggots and snakes! I agree with all of the above and think Kristi’s idea to add some punch to your opening line will go a long way in drawing in your young reader’s interest! For ideas on writing great opening lines, you might want to check this post! I’d also suggest that you think about what can be shown in illustration to leave out unnecessary words like “said Dad with a smile.” I’m a little confused about “A picture book about an unusual child who wishes to have an unusual pet” because we’re talking about a bear not a child. And what makes him unusual. We should probably get a sense of this immediately. Best wishes on your writing! Keep in touch!

Sussu: Thank you for submitted your writing to our contest. Picture books are still hot and we need more.

First of all, I really like the idea of the story: an unusual child who wants an unusual pet. That tells me diversity is going to be on the menu, and more diverse books is a great idea. I was engaged by the story from the start. I felt so disappointed not to know the ending. You got me. The story also shows kids that even a maggot is important and we should care for and respect every living creature. This powerful theme will probably appeal to children. I also like the family dynamics. I could feel the energy and every bear’s personality. I think the story will do just fine. I was hooked and the mention of the maggot surprised me, which is really what you want to do too. My only concern about this story is the diversity. Bear stories are the staple of many childhood, so maybe a different character might work better or surprise us more. Think of a family of birds caring for a maggot. Now, that would be something else. As an illustrator, I see more potential with a character we do not expect. I agree with Michelle that if your intention is to show an unusual character, then go wild with the idea. Being unusual could be interpreted in so many ways; the character could have an handicap too. When we write stories, it is always a good idea to think of our readers and to reach out to all audiences.

This being said, this story is charming and I can see the appeal. Good luck with it.

Julie I agree with what’s been said. Stories with gross factor and unusual twists like a pet maggot seem to have lasting appeal with target age group for PBs (3-5 year-olds), but this needs a fresh angle to stand out. So what can you do to draw the reader into Bear’s story in a fresh way? Make us empathize with his desire for a new, unusual pet, make us sad when the maggot goes down the drain, and make us cheer for him when he eventually (I hope) saves the maggot from the disposal. Is there anything you can do that will turn the traditional gender stereotypes in the current draft on their head? Take the kernel of story you’ve got here and do some brainstorming to see what you come up with. Best of luck!

Richelle: Thank you for sharing! Like my fellow Pennies, I liked the idea of an unusual pet — my children are riveted by the myriad of insects and other un-fuzzy pets that the science teacher at their school keeps in his classroom. I can see this idea resonating. I also agree that your opening line could have more pop and that the strict gender divisions could hurt your story’s chances. I don’t have a good sense of Bear’s emotional connection to the maggot. Why does he decide the maggot should be a pet instead of a pest? How does he feel about his family’s reactions? Does he have a vision for the kind of pet the maggot will be? (When my children ask for pets, they invariably tell me how they will play with them and care for them — tell us how Bear thinks life will be better with a maggot pet!) Finally, I recommend making a dummy — it will really help you see what words/descriptions are extraneous. Good luck!

Karin: I love the idea of an unusual pet, but as there are already many books out there on this subject, be sure to check them out, like Strictly No Elephants and Rhinos Don’t Eat Pancakes. Your first line could be stronger, and I think bear would be “observing” rather than “exploring” the maggot in his apple. And why does Bear say that when he’s a scientist, he’ll also have a pet snake? We want to know why Bear loves the maggot so much that he wants him as a pet. If he’s going to be a scientist, is Bear trying to see how maggot wiggles or how he boroughs a tunnel? For example, you could start like this: “Bear peered through his magnifying glass at Maggot, who was nibbling a tiny tunnel through his apple.” I love the idea of a pet maggot as it’s unique and offers lots of opportunity to explore why a maggot would make a good pet. Maybe he even chomps through Bear’s garbage, turning it into compost! 🙂

 

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8 on Eight October Contest Window is now open!

eight on eight 2Fellow writers! The 8 on Eight contest window is OPEN!fireworks-1759_640

 

Q: I must have missed the announcement. What is 8 on Eight? 

A monthly contest that provides one lucky kidlit writer with feedback on their opening eight lines! As part of our ongoing mission to support writers, we’ll give a PB, CB, MG, or YA writer feedback on their work from at least 8 of The Winged Pen’s contributors.

Q: Sounds exciting! How do I enter?

To enter, simply comment at the bottom of this post! At 8pm (EST) on the first day of October, one winner will be randomly drawn from the Triwizard Cup. The winner will be notified and given 24 hours to submit his or her opening eight lines. On the eighth of the month, the winner’s eight lines, along with the title and genre of the work, will be posted to our blog with feedback from at least 8 of our members. Still have questions? See our 8 on Eight page for additional details.

Remember, the contest window is only open until 8pm EST on October 1st, so don’t wait––enter now!

Best of luck! (And please help spread the word!)

klee-345135_1920

8 on Eight September Contest Window is now open!

eight on eight 2Fellow writers! The 8 on Eight contest window is OPEN!

fireworks-1759_640

Q: I must have missed the announcement. What is 8 on Eight? 

A monthly contest that provides one lucky kidlit writer with feedback on their opening eight lines! As part of our ongoing mission to support writers, we’ll give a PB, CB, MG, or YA writer feedback on their work from at least 8 of The Winged Pen’s contributors.

Q: Sounds exciting! How do I enter?

To enter, simply comment at the bottom of this post! At 8pm (EST) on the first day of September, one winner will be randomly drawn from the Triwizard Cup. The winner will be notified and given 24 hours to submit his or her opening eight lines. On the eighth of the month, the winner’s eight lines, along with the title and genre of the work, will be posted to our blog with feedback from at least 8 of our members. Still have questions? See our 8 on Eight page for additional details.

Remember, the contest window is only open until 8pm EST on September 1st, so don’t wait––enter now!

Best of luck! (And please help spread the word!)

klee-345135_1920

8 on Eight: August Contest Feedback

eight on eight 2Thank you to all the brave souls who entered this month’s 8 on Eight contest! Sharing your writing takes courage, and we appreciate your enthusiasm for our contest.

If your name wasn’t drawn from the Triwizard cup this time around, keep an eye out for when our next contest window opens at 8 PM on August 31st. Below, we’ve posted the first 8 lines from this month’s winner, along with feedback from at least eight of our members. We also encourage our readers to share their (constructive) suggestions and encouragement in the comments section below.

 

ZACH BEACON STRIKES OUT: Contemporary middle-grade novel

I knocked the dirt from my cleats and glared at the pitcher. “Gimme a fast one, Joey, if you’ve still got it in you.”

“Whatever, man. It’ll be midnight before my arm gets tired.” Joey went into a windup—and fell over laughing.

I’d done my signature bat-waggle butt-wiggle. It gets them every time.

“All right, Zach, knock it off,” said Coach Clark from the dugout.

I rested the bat on my shoulder. “Aw, Coach, we’re just messing around.”

“Zachary!” yelled a voice from the stands. “This is the last day of spring tryouts. Pay attention!”

Jessica: This opening does a good job of pulling me in to a concrete scene. That said, I can’t quite put a finger on Zachary. In the first line, he issues an ultimatum to the pitcher and glares at him, which makes him seem quite intense. But then the butt-wiggle (which I love) tells me he’s a total goofball. My sense is that he’s baiting the pitcher with the first line, but I’m not sure why he would glare, rather than grin or something more consistent with him being a clown. In addition, I wonder about the voice yelling from the stands. It feels as though the voice knows Zachary quite well, which makes me think Zachary would immediately recognize it (Mom or Dad, perhaps?) rather than think of it as “the voice,” which feels unfamiliar. Overall, though, this is a solid opening that would make me want to read on. Nice work!

Michelle: Love your opening! A lot of first-person POV middle-grade opens with the MC telling you a bunch of stuff, but you smartly skipped all of that and pulled us into the scene. You do a great job of giving us glimpses into the MC and his relationship with Joey, which is no easy task within 8 lines. I agree with Jessica that the word glare threw me off, because at first I thought Zachary and Joey were adversaries. But I’m pretty sure they’re buds.

Just a couple of things I want to point out. The sequencing here threw me off.

“Whatever, man. It’ll be midnight before my arm gets tired.” Joey went into a windup—and fell over laughing.

I’d done my signature bat-waggle butt-wiggle. It gets them every time.

I think you need at minimum a paragraph break between Joey’s dialogue and his action since the bat-waggle butt wiggle happens before he falls over. Even better, I think having Joey do something else before the windup would help- like wipe the sweat of his face, adjust his cap, nod with a focussed gaze on Zachary. Also, should the last sentence here say, “It gets him every time?” Or is this a move he always uses on the pitcher?

It would also be nice if we know how the coach reacts to what Zachary says to him before you break to the voice (is this someone he knows?) in the bleachers.

Have you considered writing this in close third POV? I’ve been playing with your words in my head, and I think it would work really well with your story.

I would definitely want to read more! Keep in touch with us about how things go!

Richelle: You have a lot of zing in this opening — I love how it moves. I agree with Jessica that there’s a bit of a disconnect between the glaring, smack-talk Zachary and the butt-wiggle Zachary. While I love both moments, it does feel like two different kids. When we later learn that this is spring try-outs, it made me wonder: Does Zachary take try-outs seriously? Or is he assured a place on the team and so feels comfortable joking around? What about Joey? Is he nervous about making the team? How do their respective attitudes about try-outs color this interaction?

I also agree with Michelle that the sequencing of the pitcher falling over and the butt-wiggle — it threw me off, and I had to read twice to figure out what was happening. And since I love character motivation, I really wanted to know why Zachary was joking around. Is he trying to mess Joey up? Trying to lighten the mood for everyone? Is that his way of shaking off his own tension?

Generally, I would love to see Zachary interacting more within the scene. How  does he respond to Joey’s trash-talk? How does the coach’s gentle rebuke made him feel? What does he want out of this moment — to make the team? To get attention? To get under Joey’s skin? To get try-outs over with?

Thank you for sharing. I love the title, and as a baseball fan, this seems like a very fun read! Can’t wait to hear how it goes!

Halli: Thank you for sharing your work! I am a huge baseball fan and the title grabbed me right away. You have a great opening here, getting us right into the action. Reading this, I felt like I was in the stands watching the kids play. You did a great job of setting the scene with just a few words – I knocked the dirt from my cleats and glared at the pitcher. Even those not familiar with baseball would be able to identify with that.

My comments are pretty much the same as the others. At the beginning, I though Zach was taunting Joey by glaring at him, but come to find later, they are friends or at least friendly acquaintances. Just changing that word will make all the difference.

My other comment is about the order of the sentences involving the butt-wiggle and Joey falling down laughing. They seem out of order so I’m current, then thrown back. As a reader, I prefer to keep moving forward. I am also in agreement about identifying the “voice” from the stands. Unless you have a reason to be mysterious, which we may not know in these eight lines, I would identify that person.

Katharine: I love a MG sports story! Fantastic title, and your MC sounds like loads of fun. I also love that you start us right in the action – perfect! And the butt wiggle dance is hysterical. My son did something similar in his short-lived little league career.

I agree with the other Pennies about the disconnect between the glare aimed at the pitcher and the goofing off behavior. I think it would help if you changed the word glare to something a little more clearly silly and over-the-top, like “shot him my best [insert baseball player – sorry! don’t know baseball!] scowl.” I also found myself a little thrown when I heard it was the last day of spring tryouts, which sounds kind of important and like he wouldn’t be goofing off. Is that right? If so, I hope we get a sense quickly of how Zach is actually feeling – is he goofing off because he’s super nervous? Does he think this is all a joke? Is he trying to impress someone in the crowd? Oh, and I would agree with the others that if that yell from the stands is a parent, he’d identify the voice immediately.

Overall, I really enjoyed this. Thanks for sharing, and best of luck with it!

Kristi: I love it when a story makes me laugh in the first few lines. Zach’s spunk and goofiness make this instantly engaging. I agree with the previous comments that you can change the sequence of the butt wiggle and then the pitcher falling over. I do like having the coach comment that they need to knock it off, but then I think you need to get back to Zach and focus on him. How is he viewing the situation and the impending tryouts? You’ve drawn us in with a great start, so don’t lose us! This sounds like such a fun read. All the best with it.

Rebecca: I love your MC’s voice and the fact that you’ve started in the middle of the action! Everyone else has already talked about the glare and identifying who “the voice” is so I won’t belabor it. What I think is important here is that it sounds like you have a very strong picture of Zach in your head. Good for you! That’s tough to do, right? But so important. So now your work is to convey that clear picture to your audience, and that’s even harder. Sometimes the only way to see how a reader will react is to share your work, like this, and see where the reader reaction is not what you intended, and make adjustments. I had a best friend smirking at my MC in a first chapter for months before I realized my critique partners thought he was making fun of the MC. But I thought the best friend’s natural reaction to most things was a smirk. He was just a laid back guy that found the humor in everything, even annoying things that happened to his best friend. But figuring out that it was being read differently than I’d intended and fixing it allowed me to convey both characters more strongly.

Great job on your opening lines and best wishes for your progress with the story!

Sussu: Thank you for submitting to The Winged Pen. It takes courage to put your writing out there. Kuddos to you!

This opening, IMO, does a good job setting the mood. It reflects the title well. The opening also does a good job answering the question who? Where? I immediately know what’s going on and I can picture the game easily. The problem is this setting has been used a lot and I wonder how you could make it a little more original.

The conflict is clear though and pulls me in right away. But because the story wants to be funny, the tension I sense in the first sentences disappears completely when Joey laughs. I feel like this is not supposed to be funny because Joey and Zachary are rivals of some sort. Zachary “glares” at Joey and dares him. I feel like the beginning goes in different directions. It’s not grounded enough for me. Also I’m not sure I like that Zach explains himself “We’re messing around.” I’d like him to be more daring. I’d like to see more of his personality breaking through. For example, saying “Let it be, coach!” would make him sound more courageous and more daring. That’s definitely how he appears in the first sentence. Of course the voice has to reflect the age better.

Also, I found the switch between tenses confusing.

What I would recommend for this beginning is 1) to keep everything in one tense.2) Then the actions should appear in the order they happen. 3) I also would like to see the consequences of what Zach does, and the stakes. The beginning could work well as a mini-scene and hook the reader better as such because it would have a beginning, a middle and an end. And we would then want to read more to see what’s going to happen next. Remember that each part of a story (dialogue, scene, chapter) answers a question. What is the question here and is it answered?

EXAMPLE:

I knocked the dirt from my cleats and glared at the pitcher. “Gimme a fast one, Joey, if you’ve still got it in you.”

“Whatever, man. It’ll be midnight before my arm gets tired.” Joey went into a windup.

 I did my signature bat-waggle butt-wiggle. So what? It got them every time.

Joey fell over laughing, missing the ball. Strike.

“All right, Zach, knock it off,” said Coach Clark from the dugout. “You’re done.”

I rested the bat on my shoulder. “Aw, Coach, I can’t be done.”

“Zachary!” yelled my mom from the stands. “This is the last day of spring tryouts. Pay attention!”

Joey cackles.

Seriously, mom!

Thank you for trusting us with your story and good luck in the publishing world.