Four on 400: June Feedback

Thank you to all the brave souls who entered this month’s Four on 400 contest!

Sharing your writing takes courage, and we appreciate your enthusiasm for our contest.

Below, we’ve posted the first 400 words from this month’s winner, along with feedback from at least four of our members. We also encourage our readers to share their (constructive) suggestions and encouragement in the comments section below.

Working Title: Patty Pat

Lower Middle Grade

Patty had nightmares about feeding the roosters, but the hens were sweet. She looked forward to their soothing cackles and bright eyes. They fluttered and jumped with excitement when she rounded the corner of the garage carrying a big bowl of carrot and potato peelings and leftover breakfast mush.

Patty tipped half the contents of the bowl onto the floor of the hen shed and watched the hens play with pieces of carrot and peck at the mush. The little brown hen hung back and then darted forward to get her share while the big speckled hens fought over a long piece of carrot peel.

Reluctantly Patty moved to the other side of the shed where the fighting roosters strutted and crowed in their cages. They were prettier than the hens, all reds and greens, shining purple-black feathers and swooping tails. They were also mean, beady-eyed, and sneakier than any villain the Lone Ranger thwarted on the radio. They stared hungrily at Patty and scratched up the dust in their cages with hard, curved claws.

Feeding the roosters made Patty wish she were one of the two big girls who helped Mother with the sewing and heavy housework. Or one of the two little girls with easy chores like feeding old sleepy Ming Chow, who had never nipped anybody. Ever. Patty felt stuffed between her sisters, and not just when they piled into the Buick, the little girls on the big girls’ laps, Patty squeezed between with the back of the front seat for a view.

Imitating the brown hen, Patty quickly opened each cage door and tossed food inside. Still she was pecked twice and nipped once. She had just darted in to check the latch on the last of the cages when she heard the Buick pull into the driveway. Dad was early. Maybe he was going to Three Lakes after dinner.

“Got the chickens fed, Patty Pat?” asked Dad. “Fed and watered,” Patty replied. Patty and Dad climbed the back steps together. Dad took off his hat inside the little screened porch and set it on the shelf.

Patty could see Joan and Connie already at the kitchen table swinging their feet as they waited for Mother to bring them stew and biscuits. There were only five places set. The big girls must be decorating for a dance. Or maybe they were at a movie.

 

Kristi: I love this setting. It’s reminiscent of CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN, which I read and re-read as a kid. A few things will really tighten this up and get the story moving. Your first line is only okay to me. I’d love it to have more punch. The entire first paragraph can be condensed to really draw in your readers. I’d suggest something along these lines:

Patty had nightmares about feeding the roosters, but the hens were sweet. She looked forward to their soothing cackles and bright eyes. The hens fluttered and jumped with excitement when Patty rounded the corner of the garage carrying a big bowl of vegetable peelings and leftover breakfast mush.

In your 2nd paragraph you overuse the word “hen.” In fact, I’d cut it and move on to paragraph 3 because that’s where I feel like you’ve hit your stride. I like the mention of the Lone Ranger and the radio and the family car. All of these things really set up where we are and what her life is like. Also, I loved that you planted a few things like dad being home early and not sure where the sisters are– this works perfectly in making me wonder if somethings up.

Karin: I completely agree with Kristi’s comments. I really like how you manage to anchor us authentically in place and time.  I would suggest tightening a little more and perhaps giving us a little more sense of what Patty wants. All we know is she’d rather be sewing with the big girls than feeding the hens and roosters. I love the reference to the Lone Ranger but would would cut one of the three adjectives describing the roosters. In paragraph five, I was confused as to how Patty was imitating the brown hen. Also, I would add “rooster” in here to remind us that she’s feeding them now. Also, not sure what the difference is between pecked and nipped. The ending makes me want to read more so I can find out why the older sisters aren’t there. Well done and good luck!

Gabrielle: Your prose is lovely–simple and evocative. I’m right with Patty Pat in the hen house. I agree with Kristi about too much use of the word “hen”, and would add that you also repeat “mush” too frequently. I would keep the first sentence of your first paragraph, but move it to the end of that paragraph. It gives us some good tension, with her fear of the roosters, but you could flesh it out a little with some details of the nightmares. Does she just have to feed them again and again in her sleep, until she wakes in a cold sweat, or do they get huge and chase her, or something different? Your line about the radio is a very clever way to show us we’re not in today’s hen house.

Overall, I think this is a great beginning, and it reminds me some of A YEAR DOWN YONDER by Richard Peck, though I do wonder a little about what’s going to be at stake. Hopefully, there will be an upping of the tension fast. You’ve got a good set-up with her being smashed between her sisters, but I want to see her decide to do something about it, or for there to be hints of something huge coming toward her that will throw a wrench in her life–soon. For example, In A YEAR DOWN YONDER, the heroine is leaving her mother and the life she knew behind, thrown into her crazy Grandmother’s life to make her way. She’s miserable, and we see every moment of her longing for home. As an aside, the scene you paint is easy to see, but I think you could also squeeze in a detail or two about Patty’s physical appearance that would help us see her better. Also, please mention what kind of creature Ming Chow is, so we can see her too! Nice work.

Rebecca: I like this start! We definitely see Patty is stuck in the middle of a large family and get a good sense for her life on the farm. Like the other’s, I’d like to know what the story’s about. Is Patty’s goal to be seen as one of the “big girls?” But this is only 400 words and I like your writing, so I’d keep reading.

 

The March #Fouron400 Kidlit Writing Contest Window is now Open!

Q: What is Four on 400? 

A monthly contest that provides ONE LUCKY MG or YA WRITER with feedback on their opening 400 WORDS! As part of our ongoing mission to support writers, we’ll give a MG or YA writer feedback on their work from four of The Winged Pen’s contributors.

Q: Sounds exciting! How do I enter?

To enter, simply comment at the bottom of this post! At 4pm (EST) on the 5th of March, one winner will be randomly drawn from the Triwizard Cup. The winner will be notified and given 24 hours to submit his or her opening 400 WORDS. On the fourteenth of the month, the winner’s words, along with the title and genre of the work, will be posted to our blog with feedback from four of our members. Still have questions? See our Four on 400 page for additional details.

If you’re not sure how to leave a comment, check our FAQ page!

*Please check your email SPAM filter to make sure it will allow an email from info@thewingedpen.com

Want a chance to win an extra entry? Go to our Facebook page and find our post about the March Four on 400 contest. Then like and/or share our post. While you’re there, like our Facebook page if you haven’t already!

Remember, the contest window is only open until 4pm EST on March 5th, so don’t wait––enter now! Good Luck!

 

Our February #Fouron400 Kidlit Writing Contest Window is now Open!


Q: What is Four on 400? 

A monthly contest that provides ONE LUCKY MG or YA WRITER with feedback on their opening 400 WORDS! As part of our ongoing mission to support writers, we’ll give a MG or YA writer feedback on their work from four of The Winged Pen’s contributors.

Q: Sounds exciting! How do I enter?

To enter, simply comment at the bottom of this post! At 4pm (EST) on the 5th of February, one winner will be randomly drawn from the Triwizard Cup. The winner will be notified and given 24 hours to submit his or her opening 400 WORDS. On the fourteenth of the month, the winner’s words, along with the title and genre of the work, will be posted to our blog with feedback from four of our members. Still have questions? See our Four on 400 page for additional details.

If you’re not sure how to leave a comment, check our FAQ page!

*Please check your email SPAM filter to make sure it will allow an email from info@thewingedpen.com

Want a chance to win an extra entry? Go to our Facebook page and find our post about the February Four on 400 contest. Then like and/or share our post. While you’re there, like our Facebook page if you haven’t already!

Remember, the contest window is only open until 4pm EST on February 5th, so don’t wait––enter now! Good Luck!

Four on 400: January Feedback

Thank you to all the brave souls who entered this month’s Four on 400 contest! Sharing your writing takes courage, and we appreciate your enthusiasm for our contest.

Below, we’ve posted the first 400 words from this month’s winner, along with feedback from at least four of our members. We also encourage our readers to share their (constructive) suggestions and encouragement in the comments section below.

AMBASSADOR OF ATTALON (MG fantasy)

Clarine Hearthsgaard was going to be sick.

She glanced about, wondering if anyone felt as nervous as she did. At least one hundred other applicants, all twelve years old, stood around her. The day was clear and warm, as were most days of High Summer in the Kingdom of Attalon, but Clarine could not enjoy it. Instead of spending her free time swimming in the lake or running through the narrow streets of Glenarm village with her best friends, Lucas and Branwyn, she was here.

Competing to be a Knight.

She must have lost her mind. She was of average height and average hair and average face. Maybe the Tournament judges would be more impressed if she were taller or richer or fiercer. More knightly.

Sweat made the collar of her linen shirt scratchy. The crowd around her shifted and mumbled. Something was happening. Clarine tried to peek around the people in front of her, but she wasn’t tall enough.

“Welcome, hopeful students,” boomed a deep voice. Clarine managed to catch a glimpse of the speaker—a knight dressed in full armour minus his helm, despite the heat. Even from near the back of the group, Clarine could tell the man was huge, the bulk of his armour looked like a piece of the Mordrin Mountains had broken off and learned to talk.

“I am Knight Stoutthelm. Welcome to the official audition for the prestigious Knight Academy of Attalon. The Squireling Tournament. We have well over one hundred applicants here, but only thirty available places to be won. The bravest, cleverest, and most skilled applicants will be successful and be granted the chance to serve his Magesty, King Percival, as a Knight of the Realm. And that’s if you survive your schooling!”

The assembled crowd of parents and well-wishers tittered amiably, but no one around Clarine made a sound. She took a deep breath to calm herself, and her stomach lurched again. She hoped her didn’t make a fool of herself in front of her father.

Another knight swept towards Stoutthelm and handed him a scroll. “Applicants will be divided into pairs. For the next two days, you will compete with and against your partner. Scores are tallied individually, based on a combination of points earned during your performances and the judges’ observations during the tasks.”

Stouthelm paused before reading the names. “Remember, Applicants. Be brave. Be clever. Be Knights.”

Gabrielle Byrne:  I think you’ve got a good start here. I’d focus on slowing it WAY down. You’ve got a lot of plot crammed into the first page, and not a lot of description, or character building. Take time to introduce us to Clarine. For example, maybe she’s talking to the next person in line behind her, who won’t stop muttering about the scuffs on their shoes. Maybe she comforts them, or tells them to shut up, or ignores them. Whatever she does, will inform us about who she is. I’d incorporate some more setting into her actions too.  Spin the scene out over the first five pages or so, and let us get to know her. You did a good job incorporating some world building into your descriptions with “the bulk of his armour looked like a piece of the Mordrin Mountains had broken off and learned to talk.”  Nice work.

Sussu: Thank you for trusting us with your story. I enjoyed reading this. I found the story charming and paced nicely.

Nice first line and setting. I only suggest mentioning the courtyard and the parents earlier because it’s hard to figure out where they are and why the parents are there.

Details could give the reader a precise picture that stays long with them. “The day was clear and warm” is good, but consider, “The heat tickled her neck. The sun set her dark hair ablaze.” “He was a foot taller than the students,” etc

“She must have lost her mind” could be stronger with an action. Nice to have some kind of inner conflict to drive the story. Add more details, like “She couldn’t hurt a fly” or “she was a scrawny as a cricket.” This makes the MC stand out and gives us more clues.

I love the voice and the atmosphere of the story. This sounds unique and fun. Good luck!

Jessica: What a fun premise! Your first line really drew me in. Another line I loved: Sweat made the collar of her linen shirt scratchy. Right away, I knew exactly what she was feeling. By way of suggestions, I’d encourage you to bring this same level of detail to the first full paragraph. “Glanced about” and “anyone” were too vague to pull me in; I think there’s real opportunity here to pull us in with specifics. Similarly, I found “swimming in the lake” and “running through the streets” to be disappointingly vague (although the “narrow” streets did help). How does the water feel when she plunges in? Is there a certain shop she loves to run by because of the smell? Or because they hand out free samples? We can learn a lot about her by how she sees and thinks about her world. I think Gabrielle’s suggestion to slow down and not try to fit quite so much information into the opening is a great one, but overall you seem to be on the right track. Nicely done!

Julie: I LOVE this concept. But the title is a bit dry for such a great story. You’ve got some great world-building details in here (the Squireling Tournament, etc.) but I also think you’re starting with too much summary. Focus on the moment Clarine knows everything in her world is about to change and start there. Maybe she’s paired with her worst enemy (or her crush!) and that’s what makes her feel nauseated. Then you can sprinkle in some of these details, but focus on building her character–what she wants, what she’s afraid of–and tell us the details like that there are only 30 spots available and what she likes to do in her free time later. You’ve got a great knack for description like the scratchy shirt and armor looking “like a piece of the Mordrin Mountains had broken off and learned to talk,” so if you can make the rest of it that vivid, you’ll be set!

 

Our January #FourOn400 KidLit Writing Contest Window is OPEN!

Q: What is Four on 400? 

A monthly contest that provides ONE LUCKY MG or YA WRITER with feedback on their opening 400 WORDS! As part of our ongoing mission to support writers, we’ll give a MG or YA writer feedback on their work from four of The Winged Pen’s contributors.

Q: Sounds exciting! How do I enter?

To enter, simply comment at the bottom of this post! At 4pm (EST) on the 5th of January, one winner will be randomly drawn from the Triwizard Cup. The winner will be notified and given 24 hours to submit his or her opening 400 WORDS. On the fourteenth of the month, the winner’s words, along with the title and genre of the work, will be posted to our blog with feedback from four of our members. Still have questions? See our Four on 400 page for additional details.

If you’re not sure how to leave a comment, check our FAQ page!

*Please check your email SPAM filter to make sure it will allow an email from info@thewingedpen.com

Special Bonus! Everyone who follows us on FACEBOOK will get an extra entry in the TriWizard Cup! Yes, all you have to do is follow our FACEBOOK page to double your entry! If you do this, please note that you’re following us on FaceBook in your contest entry blog comment to make it easy to cross-reference names. (Thanks to everyone who is already following us! We will count your entry twice too!) 

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Remember, the contest window is only open until 4pm EST on January 5th, so don’t wait––enter now! Good Luck!