Thank you to all the brave souls who entered this month’s Four on 400 contest!
Sharing your writing takes courage, and we appreciate your enthusiasm for our contest. Below, we’ve posted the first 400 words from this month’s winner, along with feedback from at least four of our members. We also encourage our readers to share their (constructive) suggestions and encouragement in the comments section below.
Middle Grade Fantasy: HAZEL AND THE WINDROSE SEED
Hazel Hobart was trying very hard to forget it was her birthday. Today had been no more special and every bit as boring as yesterday was and tomorrow would be.
She measured out another capful of squash seeds and poured them into a tiny paper envelope stamped with “Ossipee Seedery: Purveyor of Rare and Wonderful Seeds.”
Squash seeds were the opposite of rare and wonderful. They were ordinary and quite unexciting. Hazel sealed the seed packet and reached for another to fill when her aunt shrieked from the other end of the greenhouse.
“We’re under attack!” Alice cried.
Hazel looked over from where she sat slouched at her seed-strewn potting bench.
“It’s the Super Aphids.” Aunt Alice clutched her head with both hands and gawked at the rows of baby seedlings. “They’re attacking in full force.”
Yesterday it was a slug, today its aphids. What would tomorrow bring?
Her aunt reached beneath the long tables, where’d she’d been repotting seedlings, and pulled out a stainless-steel vegetable colander.
Now what is she going to do with that, thought Hazel.
Alice placed it on her head and tied it tight beneath her chin with a stray piece of twine. The seedery’s cat, Zephyrus, white whiskers fully alert, crouched on the tabletop beside Aunt Alice, ready to pounce.
“You’re both overreacting,” Hazel said under her breath. Aphids are almost invisible.
“It’s time to unleash the mantids,” Alice said. “Tell them they are to report immediately. They’re in the shed.”
Her aunt had acquired mail-order praying mantid egg cases so as not to have a repeat of last summer when cutworms destroyed her prized crop of Snake Gourd seedlings.
Hazel sighed and pushed back her stool. “Okay,” she said, knowing full well mantids—or any insects for that matter—would not listen to her.
Just another dreary day at home, filling seed packets and helping her aunt fight invisible bugs with bigger bugs.
If other kids lived in the village, then she would’ve held a birthday party and invited them. There’d be lots of cake (chocolate) and games (capture the flag in the gardens) and presents (hopefully). But no other kids lived in Ossipee. Not many adults did either.
Off a paved mountain road is a turnoff for a dirt road. There’s a sign hidden by old pine trees. It reads Ossipee (Population 28).
Most people blink and miss it.
Jessica: This sounds like a lovely story; I really enjoy the voice you’ve established. I think you could continue to work to pull us into Hazel’s POV even more. For example, instead of telling us that Hazel thinks about what her aunt is going to do with the colander, let us see her think it. (i.e. “What is she going to do with that?” Similarly, we need to see her reaction when Aunt Alice announces that they are under attack. Since we don’t know anything about this world, we don’t know if they are truly under attack (and in danger), or if Aunt Alice is being dramatic (yet again). Fleshing out how Hazel experiences this world will help us feel like we’re a part of her journey. Best of luck!
Michelle: This is super cute, and we’ve got a pretty good picture of the type of character Hazel will be, passive and not easily stirred up. 🙂 Based on the sentence and paragraph structure, this seems to be geared to young MG readers. It seems that you’re using an omniscient voice, which is fine, but it will be particularly important for you to find a way to make us root for Hazel. Since she seems to be low on energy or interest in her life, you’ll need to find a way to make young readers want to know more about her. Maybe there’s some quirky interesting detail about her that would pull the reader in. Also, I’d love to know more about how she looks and her aunt too. Keep in touch! We’d love to hear where your writing journey takes you as you move forward!
Kristi: I’m really in love with the atmosphere you’ve set here. It’s very secluded and dull to Hazel, but as a reader I find it intriguing. I agree with the above comments that some characterizing details would work really wonderfully here to create and even fuller picture. Little things, for example, in the second paragraph I want to see her blow her frizzy hair out of her face as she pours the seeds into the pouch or bite at a hangnail– anything that gives us a peek at her either on a physical or emotional level. All the best with this!
Laurel: I love this story with growing things at its center! The contrast between Hazel’s disappointment about her birthday and a magical world where you ask mantids to come into the greenhouse and fight the aphids is so fun! (I suppose the colander tied on with string is to protect against the mantids, since the aphids would go right through? Does she tie one onto the resisting Hazel too? I’d love to see that interaction. :)) Two tiny speed bumps: The past perfect tense makes the second sentence is a touch bumpy. I also wondered if you need both the “special” and the “boring” since we know it is Hazel’s birthday. The second to last paragraph felt like it belonged somewhere else: “Off a paved mountain road is a turnoff for a dirt road. There’s a sign hidden by old pine trees. It reads Ossipee (Population 28).” The “what would tomorrow bring?” felt a little off because Hazel has already said tomorrow would be the same. Could this be a touch more specific so we can enjoy how deluded she is? “One dreary insect plague after another” or something. From the feel of the story, I expect tomorrow (and even today!) is going to bring something very unexpected. Good work!