Thank you to all the brave souls who entered this month’s Four on 400 contest!

Sharing your writing takes courage, and we appreciate your enthusiasm for our contest.Below, we’ve posted the first 400 words from this month’s winner, along with feedback from at least four of our members. We also encourage our readers to share their (constructive) suggestions and encouragement in the comments section below.

A Conspiracy of Ravens  (Middle Grade)

Addie knew she had made the wrong choice even before the car crunched to a halt at the end of the long, tree-lined drive.

With dismay, she regarded the frowning turrets and grim chimneys silhouetted against the darkening sky. It looks like a prison, she thought. I bet there are ghosts. Even the thick cloak of ivy did nothing to soften the bleak severity of the grey stone mansion. Their approach startled a flock of birds into sudden flight, wheeling and swooping around the tower as if in a macabre dance.

“Look at the gargoyles, Addie,” her father said, putting her suitcase down and pointing cheerfully at the roof. “They all have the head of a bird, a raven in fact.”

Addie shivered. Night was falling swiftly and she felt a chill creep along the back of her  here and now she must make the best of it.to enter.

“Welcome to Raven Manor, Miss Lee and welcome back Professor.” A tall, gaunt woman ushered them inside the grand front door. “You must be exhausted after such a long flight.” She led them into a dimly-lit sitting room furnished in mahogany and velvet, where a simple supper was laid out for them. “Thank you, Mrs McPherson,” Dad said, motioning Addie to take a seat.

“I was very sorry to hear about your mother, Dear,” the housekeeper said gently, as she offered Addie a glass of juice. Firelight flickered in the grate and the heavy drapes were drawn against the wintry gloom of the Scottish dusk, but Addie suddenly felt cold, miserable and a very long way from home. Unbidden, an image of Gran’s cosy cottage flashed into her mind. Her grey eyes narrowed and she raised her chin defiantly. She had insisted on coming here and now she must make the best of it.

Addie drew the heavy drapes open, alleviating the darkness of the unfamiliar room. She clambered back into the high, old-fashioned bed. “I need to switch my mind off and GET SOME SLEEP,” she told herself sternly. Midnight in Scotland.Nine in the morning at home.

A pale shaft of moonlight slanted into the room, falling on her messy suitcase and a small table where sharp-edged shapes gleamed silver. Addie hadn’t noticed the photographs before, but now she abandoned any ideas of sleep and turned the lamp back on.

Rebecca P: Many lovely details and phrases! My immediate concern is the passing of time in such a short space. We arrive, are served supper, abruptly appear in a bedroom, then are in bed, lights off/on. It feels too whirlwind, and not in the good way. I’d like to see the action slowed down so I can:

a) see the manor in more detail–this is our new home for the entirety of the book, I suspect–and from the quality of the writing, I know the description will be creepy-cool-great. Also, I really want to see some ravens! With such a title, I bet they have a character of their own. 🙂

b) feel what Addie is feeling. While there is some dismay and creepiness, I feel like she may have equal or more concerns about being with her father here? It seems they have lived separately for a while if he’s “returning” and she isn’t already familiar with the house?

Readers pick up Gothic tales almost as much for the Setting and Tone (Mood) as we do for the story itself, so you get some leeway in setting the scene more carefully. Happy writing!

Jessica V. I totally agree with Rebecca; there is a lot to love here but the material feels like it should be fleshed out in much more detail (or even into separate scenes): her arrival, eating dinner (where I’d love to see her relationship with her father and the housekeeper), and moving upstairs to her bedroom (how does she feel about the room? Does it remind her of her room back at home? What had she expected?). Thanks for participating!

Michelle Great title and your writing is so beautiful with lovely details! I too wanted this to slow down beginning with the first sentence. You could make this opening very tense by having her startled by something very creepy before she reaches the manor. That would be a great way to set the tone immediately. I felt a little confused about what’s going on with the relationships. It seems like this is Addie’s first time at the manor, but the place is familiar to her father. Why has she never been here? I’m assuming that the “…sorry to hear about your mother, Dear.” is directed at Addie, but it’s not perfectly clear. If something terrible has happened to her mother, Addie should be feeling something at those words. Based on the quality of your writing, I have every confidence that if you slow this down and let us melt into the details you’ll have a wonderful opening. Best of luck!

Halli Beautiful writing! Your details are rich and the setting and creepiness are written very well. As Rebecca said, this genre is as much about the setting and tone as it is the story itself. Readers want to be scared, they want to curl up and spend part of their reading time checking the shadows in their house. These details can also be found in dialogue. Let’s find out a little more about the three of them, besides pleasantries and regular greetings. Are they who they seem? Is one of them the source of upcoming conflict and plot? Can they provide a hint as to the conflict and plot? Thank you very much for sharing!