Thank you to all the brave souls who entered this month’s Four on 400 contest!
Sharing your writing takes courage, and we appreciate your enthusiasm for our contest.
Below, we’ve posted the first 400 words from this month’s winner, along with feedback from at least four of our members. We also encourage our readers to share their (constructive) suggestions and encouragement in the comments section below.
Upper Middle Grade Contemporary with Magical Elements: LIGHTER THAN STARDUST
CHAPTER 1
The scream that ripped through the night and ended with a thunderous splash sounded to Mira like a seeking scream, a questing scream—not a scream of terror. She gazed at the sky, trying to figure out why it had suddenly turned a shade darker. The flames of the campfire spiraled upwards.
“Mira, what are you doing?” Kevin shouted. “The kids are freaking out!”
Mira jumped to her feet. What was she doing? Around her, four eight-year-olds clutched each other’s sleeves, crying, cowering. Distracted, pondering, conflicted Mira was not the one who’d come to Greece—she was supposed to be focused, competent, decisive Mira!
She pulled the children close. “Shh, it’s all right.”
“Everyone stay calm!” Costa slung his worry beads around his wrist and threw a bucket of ashes on the fire. The flames collapsed in clouds of smoke.
“Good thinking, Costa.” Kevin peered into the shadowy woods stretching down to the riverbank, thrumming with chirps and clicks. “If someone’s out there, they can’t see us now.”
Mira didn’t have to see Costa’s face to know he was smiling. If Kevin was keeping score—and she was sure he was—Costa was winning six to two. Kevin would be sending her back to Ohio before she’d been here three weeks if she wasn’t careful.
“The noise came from across the river.” Kevin kicked the smoldering ashes. “I’m sure it’s just someone playing a prank, but I’ll have a look. Take the kids back to our cabin and wait there.”
Mira and Costa led the kids up the hill, past the small cabin into the larger cabin where Kevin and Costa bunked with the boys, Nikos and Tycho. Costa began making coffee, filling the briki with water.
“But I want to hoot for owls, Mira!” Sophie tilted her head back. “Woo-woo!
“No—we can’t go outside!” Tears slid down Tycho’s face. “It’s not safe!”
Alsie began whimpering.
Uh-oh. The kids were supposed to be telling their parents tomorrow what fun owl hooting was, so they wouldn’t mind when Kevin or Costa or Mira walked through their fields in search of owl nests. The last thing Mira needed was Kevin finding the kids clustered around her crying. She held Tycho’s and Alsie’s hands. “I’ll stay inside with anyone who doesn’t want to—”
Costa flapped his arms. “We can all hoot together right here! The owls will peek in the window!”
Gita: Thank you for sharing the opening of Lighter Than Stardust with us! There are so many elements here that intrigued me right away: the scream, the darkening sky, the strange campfire…and that the campers seem to be in Greece. The reason I say “seem” to be in Greece is because even though you mention Greece, the briki coffee pot, and that one of the characters is named Nikos, I never got the feeling we were in Greece. Rather it felt as if the scene could have been taking place around a campfire in the US. I’d encourage you to slow down a bit in the beginning and draw the reader in through the setting. You can still begin with excitement, as you do now, but by taking time (it doesn’t have to be all at once) to help us see and feel the particularly Greek setting (what’s this landscape like, apart from the river? What are the cabins made of? What kind of owls will they be looking for?) you’ll invite readers to step into the world of your story. Wishing you all the best with your writing!
Michelle: Very intriguing, and I definitely want to know more about what’s going on! I do feel like you’re giving us a lot to digest in this very active scene. It’s good to leave the reader with questions to encourage them to turn the page, but I feel like I have too many right now. For one, I’m not sure what a “questing” scream is. Are the scream, darkening of the sky, and spiraling campfire flames related? I also don’t understand the part about keeping score. Also, since you are introducing a lot of characters quickly, it would be nice to know a little more about how they look so we can keep track of them. Kids love books set at camp, so it looks like with a little tweaking you may have a winner. Best of luck!
Halli: Thank you for participating! I love that you start with a scream. That is such a great hook because everyone will want to know who screamed, why they screamed, and if it is something that will make us scream! You have such a great opening setting here that I encourage you to make the most of it. I agree with Gita and Michelle about slowing down and really focusing on one particular aspect and one or two characters. We can’t love your characters if we don’t know much about them. In addition, I believe this story has magical elements. Would it be possible to give a hint about that? It’s difficult to see how things will go with such a short section, but it may help engage readers who have picked up your story for those reasons. Thanks again for sharing!
Rebecca P: In addition to all of the above, I genuinely have no idea if they are in real peril. The kids will see their parents tomorrow, suggesting relative safety, and Mira is more concerned about her “score” than anything in the dark. But dousing the fire is a very big reaction and feels like an overreaction, except Costa is praised for it. I’d like a sense of whether the scream was probably an animal or seemed human, and I need more context earlier if I’m meant to be genuinely fearful for the children rather than simply concerned that a person may be hurt. I’d also like to see more context about the “scoring.” Is it real scoring, or informal? Were there enough campers for the first session to need multiple counselors, while the second session needs fewer, so a counselor will be sent home? Etc. While we don’t want to frontload backstory into our openings, we also need to be careful to have enough context that we’re more interested than confused. Give us just a little bit more. Happy writing!