Thank you to all the brave souls who entered this month’s Four on 400 contest!

Sharing your writing takes courage, and we appreciate your enthusiasm for our contest. Below, we’ve posted the first 400 words from this month’s winner, along with feedback from at least four of our members. We also encourage our readers to share their (constructive) suggestions and encouragement in the comments section below.

Middle Grade: Beach Day, Just Add Water

Chapter 1- BE Season and Bree Season   

            When the summer ends Bree and I do not exist in a sentence, but in June, July and August we are “BeanandBree.” In real life she lives in Wayne, PA which isn’t airplane far from my house in NJ, but far enough that during the school year, we are not a thing.  We stay out of Uncle Chuck’s way while he unpacks the Jeep and Aunt Kiki knows exactly what I’m up to before I even tell her.  She casually mentions while opening closed curtains,

“Bean, give Bree a hello hug from me, and if you two see Trey tell him I have a new book for him.”

I can feel my cheeks and neck getting warm at the mention of Trey, but that’s a story for later, because Bree is standing on the sidewalk, and she has what I can only guess is an idea for this Summer’s Kindness Quest.

Step one- HUG!

Step two- CKP ASAP (Create Kindness Plan As Soon As Possible)

Chapter 2- Bubbles and Smiles

“Heyyyyyyyyyyyyy!”

Bree says “Hey,” not “Hi,” and it’s a perfect greeting for her carefree self. I’m more of a “Hello,” which sometimes comes out sounding unsure.  Also, my friends can always tell how I’m feeling about the “Hello,” by the speed my hair is twirling around my index finger. Slow and steady means I’m relaxed. (Aunt Kiki would say that using the word relaxed to describe me is hyperbole since I usually have at least three worries ranging from rapid to hyper speed going on in my brain.) A rapid twirl means I’m experiencing dentist appointment level anxiety. Energy drink speed is reserved for public speaking or situations that make me tense and uncomfortable like that time at the checkout line when I saw that tiny little boy begging for his mom’s attention, but she was too busy checking herself in her phone to notice. Thinking about that kid kept my hair twirling all day. Anyway… our hug ends at the same time, and the friendship picks up where we left it last summer. No hair twirling necessary as I ask,

 “Is that tiny plastic Ferris wheel a bubble machine?”

Bree replies in a giggle laugh saying,

“Yes, and I have an idea for the summer Kindness Quest and don’t worry, you cannot get arrested for public bubblication!”

Mark: Things I enjoyed: Aunt Kiki’s list of what she understands about Bean is a fun peek into Bean’s personality. Nothing better than quirks to bring characters to life. I’m intrigued by the kindness quest, too. I want to know what that’s about, and making the reader want to know something is always good. Also, having her flush at the mention of Trey is a nice hint at what trouble might lie ahead.

Things you could work on for a stronger opening: A first sentence with punch can set a book up nicely and hint what’s on the way. I like the intention of your first sentence but tinker with it to make it more clear. Check favorite books, too. Consider adding a hint of the trouble ahead for Bean. Writing ten versions can help. Also, I’d like to feel where they are in the setting. Descriptions don’t have to be a long, but a detail or two letting us know what’s around them would give the reader bearings. Consider using her aunt and uncle unloading the car to help–show what they’re setting down where, etc. This could be a nice hint at specific summer favorites. Keep up the good work. It’s always tricky to balance it all.

Jessica: This story sounds like a lot of fun (I love Bean’s voice!), but I’d encourage you to flesh out your opening scene, which you may want to combine with the second chapter. Like Mark mentioned, there is a lot more you can do with the setting to help us feel anchored. Are they in a summer cabin? Is she visiting her aunt and uncle’s house? What does she see when she looks out the window? A neighborhood? A forest? What does Bree look like? Make sure we feel like we’re looking at the world through Bean’s eyes. For example, we’re disoriented when she asks about the ferris wheel bubble machine, because we didn’t know Bree was holding one. Good luck with your revisions!

Richelle: I love the voice in this story! I was really drawn into the relationship between Bean and Bree. I did feel a bit rushed through and disoriented by the first chapter, though. Example: The third sentence starts with “We,” which I assumed was Bean and Bree, but then later she realizes that Bree is there — who was the “we”? And how did Bree arrive? Had Bean been eagerly awaiting her? Or is it a surprise? I agree with Mark and Jessica that we could use more setting and physical descriptions, which might help that orientation, as well as a few emotional beats, such as her anticipation about seeing Bree again. On the flip side, although I like the hair-twirling details, I don’t know that we need quite so many right away — maybe let us see her twirling her hair in different situations before it gets explained. This has the makings of a great story — good luck!

Halli: Thank you for sharing! You have a fun middle grade voice and stories about friendships are my favorites. I do agree with the comments above. We definitely need more grounding in terms of setting and physical descriptions. I was also a little confused with the first paragraph because it seems to go from the summer to school year then back to summer. I know first pages are so difficult. There are so many things you need to show to grab the reader. My suggestion would be to focus on the present, leave unnecessary details for later, and set up what the story is going to be about. Thank you again for sharing!