Thank you to all the brave souls who entered this month’s Four on 400 contest!

Sharing your writing takes courage, and we appreciate your enthusiasm for our contest. Below, we’ve posted the first 400 words from this month’s winner, along with feedback from at least four of our members. We also encourage our readers to share their (constructive) suggestions and encouragement in the comments section below.

Spinning Through Time: A Nava and Ari Time Travel Adventure

            It was the first night of Hanukkah in the Levy house. Nava paced back and forth in the front hall as family members came to the door, bringing in drafts of frosty air every time it opened. Aunt Sarah and Uncle Jonah arrived first, their arms piled high with gaily wrapped packages. Bubby and Zayde came in together with Nonna and Nono, laughing, probably at one of Zayde’s silly jokes. Bubby carried a roasting pan with her delicious brisket. Even the foil wrapping couldn’t cover up its wonderful aroma. And that competed with the oniony scent coming from Nonna’s ceramic platter of her famous keftes.

            Hanukkah was one of Nava’s favorite holidays, and her mouth watered in anticipation of all the delicious dishes that family members prepared.

            “Everything smells so good!” she said. “I can’t wait to eat!”

            But where was her cousin Ari? She paced the length and breadth of the foyer some more, hoping that he would get there soon. Finally, after another few minutes, Aunt Leah and Uncle Ethan came through the door into the entry hall, stomping their feet on the area rug.

            “It’s snowing!” Aunt Leah called out.

            “Here, Nava, take this platter to the kitchen,” Uncle Ethan said.

            “Sufganiyot?”

            “You know it!”

            “Where’s Ari? Isn’t he coming?”

            “You know your cousin. He’s taking his time.”

            Nava put the platter in the kitchen and returned to the front hall. She stuck her head out the front door to see Ari saunter up the sidewalk, dragging his feet through the accumulating snow sparkling in the light from the porch.

            “Hurry up, Ari,” Nava said. “Come inside.”

            “It’s the first snow of the year. Let me enjoy it.”

            Nava sighed. Ari finally climbed the steps and came inside, shaking the white flakes off his coat.

            “Did you help make the sufganiyot?”

            “Yep. And they’re really good this year. I’ve already tasted one.”

            “One?”

            “Okay, two. I had to taste them. This year Mom did raspberry and lemon. But don’t tell her.”

            “Your secret is safe with me. As long as you’ve left enough for me.”

            “Don’t worry. There are plenty.”

            Just then, Uncle Dave swept through the door. “Happy Hanukkah!” he called and swooped down to give a big hug to Nava and Ari. “Have I got a surprise for you!”

            “What is it?” Ari asked.

            Uncle Dave pulled something bright and sparkling from his coat pocket.

Halli: Thank you for sharing! First, I love all the food of Hanukkah (I probably shouldn’t be reading this before lunch!) You did a nice job of setting the scene – full of family, food, and fun. Your dialogue feels natural and the descriptions are also well done – snow sparkling in light from the porch. It is hard to evaluate with so little information, like is this upper or lower middle grade, but I question this scene as the place to start a novel. It’s a nice scene, visual, homey, and the pacing is good, but it feels a little safe. I wonder if in the first page we can get a better feel of Nava’s character because that would help give a hint at the plot. From the title we know it’s a time travel adventure, so if we have an idea if she is a safe person who tries to avoid conflict and adventure or a spunky go-getter, that may help us (the reader) get a little more excited about what’s coming. I hope this helps! Again, thank you for sharing!

Jessica: I enjoyed the sensory details you included (the brisket and the onion scent from the keftes) and I’d encourage you to include more of these wonderful sensory details throughout. From a big picture perspective, I’d encourage you to consider an opening that creates more tension. Suspense is one of the elements that pulls readers into a story and encourages them to turn pages. This doesn’t mean that you have to open with action (although that can also be a great way to hook the reader, especially if we get to know the character through their reaction to something), but if you are going to open with a quieter scene, you’ll need to hint at some change to come. Studying openings from your favorite books might help find the right start for your story. Good luck and thanks for sharing!

Rebecca P: Halli and Jessica are spot on, so in trying to problem solve…I love that nod to Ari “taking his time,” which suggests that Nava does not. While she’s mildly impatient in this scene, that feels perfectly normal for the first day of Hanukkah with all this company to share and wonderful food to eat! If her character is the one who rushes in while Ari is the one who pauses and contemplates (sometimes too long), then I think you might amp up her impatience in this scene, make her a little less okay with all this waiting (ugh, waiting’s the worst! :). Especially if it creates an issue, like a reprimand from a parent, then we get a sense of what a problem will be when the story becomes more centered on Nava and Ari, potentially the rabbit and the turtle? (Without the heavy-handed moral messaging–sometimes we do have to stop thinking so much and just go! 🙂 I hope this helps!

Richelle: I love a good time travel story! You’ve gotten some great feedback from Halli, Jessica and Rebecca. I, too, loved the sensory details (oh, the food! I was immediately transported back to a friend’s Hanukkah party when I was a kid!) and the gentle, loving atmosphere. But I agree that for an opening, it might be a bit too warm and comfortable. Some tension, discontent, or foreboding hanging over the scene could give readers some mystery to propel us forward. I love Rebecca’s idea of amplifying Nava and Ari’s differences in character to do that, but you could also show tension among the adults, strange or unseasonable weather, a missing relative, the lingering tension of an earlier fight, or any other detail that unsettles your lovely scene and injects that discordant note that makes us want to find out what’s going on…and what’s going to happen next.