Thank you to all the brave souls who entered this month’s Four on 400 contest!
Sharing your writing takes courage, and we appreciate your enthusiasm for our contest. Below, we’ve posted the first 400 words from this month’s winner, along with feedback from at least four of our members. We also encourage our readers to share their (constructive) suggestions and encouragement in the comments section below.
MG NOVEL – THE YEAR OF THE MEATBALL
CHAPTER ONE
The Wrong Shortcut
Sprawled out on the curb, it feels like a tiny rattle is clinking inside my head. My Yankees tee shirt is smeared with blood and so are my new sneakers. I press around my nose with my pinky finger. If it swells up, I’ll look like an aardvark. Great. I don’t bother feeling around for my wallet. It was tugged from my pocket before I hit the ground. I hoist myself back on my feet, careful not to trip on the moon crater sized potholes that are everywhere.
Mom’s always warning me not to walk through the abandoned lot on Market Street but after winding pitches all day, my stomach kept screaming “Feed me now, Joey.” The shortcut would get me home to Nana’s meatballs sooner. Dumb move. Everyone knows that busy Bronx streets are safer than deserted lots. Too late. I already struck out.
I’m staggering home as crooked as my curveball. The smell of fresh baked pizza from Gino’s tickles my nostrils but my appetite got robbed, too. My mom is gonna freak out big time and I don’t want to deal with it. Period.
CHAPTER TWO
A Game Changer
When Mom scurries to the front door, I could fit my baseball mitt in her open mouth.
“Cripes almighty! What happened?” She hustles towards the bathroom dragging me with her. She grabs a washcloth and pats at my face. I blink to try to shake that rattle from my head.
My voice sounds like it’s coming from an underwater cave. “I got jumped.” I might throw up and my legs feel like Twizzlers.
“Mugged? Cripes almighty! I’m taking you to the ER!” She scoops up her keys from the counter.
“No, I’m okay, Mom. Give me a second. I’m better now. Really.” She guides me to the couch and I slump into the cushion. She grabs her cell and two seconds later, she’s talking with Dad in the hallway.
“You wouldn’t believe his face. Bloody, bruised. He’s a mess.” She nods a few times. “Oh my God. Yes! I’m taking him right now. Don’t forget to pick up Nicole.” Then she whispers but I hear every word. “Get that realtor’s name and number. I’m not kidding this time, Tony.”
During the entire ride, all Mom does is chant. Between “my poor Joey” and “Cripes Almighty,” I’m grateful to finally walk into the ER waiting room.
Julie: OK, the baseball imagery in this one is making me smile right off the bat (ha!). And you’ve hinted at a larger conflict even in this short space when Mom says to get the realtor’s name–sounds like a move is in the works and Joey will have to navigate that. But it would be great to show a little of Joey’s reaction to this so that we know how he feels about potentially moving and, if moving isn’t what he wants, what he DOES want instead. I’m guessing it has to do with baseball and meatballs! At the line level, I like the voice, but be careful about sentences that start with “I” and repetition of things like “Cripes Almighty.” It’s funny the first time, but it sticks out once it’s been mentioned two or three times. Best of luck with this fun,
Mark: Fun voice! Lots of analogies based on this quirky character, too, which tends to draw readers in. You have a lot of opportunities for that first sentence–shortcuts, ravenous hunger, not listening to one’s mother, etc.–and your current one left me a little confused. I’d suggest looking at the first sentences of your favorite books, then try twenty different possibilities to see if you can hone in on a stronger one. And to Julie’s point, everything in the narrative should rotate around Joey’s response to the plot point. That’s what makes it HIS story. (I just made some of these changes in my own MG work in progress). I hitched a tiny bit on whether or not the mom would really whisk him away to the ER. She came across as the kind of mom that would clean him up and tell him he’s fine. But kudos for making me get a sense of the mom character in only a few words. It shows that you’re enjoying these characters so keep up the good work!
Halli: Hello! I love the voice. I love the title. I love the baseball references – “I’m staggering home as crooked as my curveball.” That’s just great! My comments are pretty much the same as Julie’s and Mark’s. I would like to know what Joey thinks about a potential move. Having his feelings may give us an idea of what the story’s main plot is. For example, is he the star on his baseball team and if he moves he’ll have to start all over? Also, just a tiny picky thing, I am putting Joey around 13? Do 13 year olds carry wallets? I’m sure it depends on where they live, if they use public transportation, or frequently stops at a store after baseball practice. Wonderful job with this! Good luck.
Jessica: This opening really hooked me; terrific job! By way of feedback, I can only echo the comments above: I agree that the first sentence has potential but is a little confusing, he doesn’t seem injured enough to go to the hospital, and Mom’s second “cripes” felt overboard––more like a caricature than genuine concern. One last note; he talked about rushing home to Nana’s meatballs, which makes me think Nana either lives with them or is visiting, but after the attack he only thinks about (and we only see) his mother’s reaction, which left me wondering where Nana is while all this is happening. Good luck with your revisions and thanks for sharing!