Thank you to all the brave souls who entered this month’s Four on 400 contest!

Sharing your writing takes courage, and we appreciate your enthusiasm for our contest. Below, we’ve posted the first 400 words from this month’s winner, along with feedback from at least four of our members. We also encourage our readers to share their (constructive) suggestions and encouragement in the comments section below.

WALLS (MG Light Fantasy)

The day I painted the beach scene on my wall, my dad left us. We didn’t know he was leaving for good when he went on a business trip a couple days ago, but he did.

I came home from school and my older brother, Luke, stood frozen at the kitchen counter staring at Mom who white-knuckle gripped her phone up to her ear. Her face was a stormy mixture of emotions. She mumbled a goodbye and her hand dropped. Luke took the phone from her.

Mom muttered, “He’s in California. He needs time to clear his mind.”

“That’s all? What —“ Luke gave me a look, and I snapped my mouth shut. I stomped up the stairs, slammed my bedroom door, and threw an old tube of paint at my wall. It exploded. Figures.

I flopped onto my bed and stared at a blue paint trail dripping down my yellow wall. I wiped a tear off my cheek before it rolled into my ear. I was not going to cry. I picked up the paint brush I’d left on my night table and chipped at the layers of paint on the handle with my thumbnail. Mom and Dad gave me a new (ha!) set of paints and brushes inside one of Dad’s old paint bins on my 14th birthday last month. Dad made a big deal of it, but I was disappointed. I wanted new supplies not his old stuff. We even have an art store in our section of town. I knew he felt bad I wasn’t excited, but was that enough reason to leave us?

I swiped the paint drop with the brush. A sweep of blue sky against a rising-sun yellow. The painting bug took over, as Aunt Gayle would say, and took control of my arms.

As I painted on my wall, my mind went into overdrive. It’s not like I hated Dad for leaving. Well, maybe a little. I mean, who did he think he was? He had a family, a son that needed his gaming buddy, and me, his artistic daughter who needed his direction and encouragement. I couldn’t learn the things he taught me anywhere else. He taught me how to see the world as an artist, to see the beauty in everything even when there didn’t seem to be any. He helped me to see the beauty … in me.

Jessica: Thank you for participating! It’s clear this is going to be a sweet, poignant story. By way of suggestions, I’d encourage you to revisit the opening. Right now, we don’t know enough about the MC for Dad’s leaving to impact us the way you want it to. One idea: the last few sentences tell important information; perhaps you could instead open by showing us her special relationship with her father? Good luck with your revisions!

Rebecca P: I like Jessica’s idea of opening with a special memory of her father, probably related to painting, then ending with a bang, like, “But that was before he left us for good.” (But better than that, of course. 🙂 Alternatively, you might open with a tight focus on her painting the wall with hints that she’s avoiding thinking about something, then end with a line that reveals her dad isn’t coming home. The point being, it feels like you need to pick one. The current set up jolts to 4 different times: having already painted on wall, back to finding out Dad’s not coming home, farther back to her birthday, and forward to deciding to paint on the wall. It’s too much for 400 words. I hope this helps!

Richelle: I like the emotion in this story, but I agree with Jessica and Rebecca that it is too much too soon. I’d love to see you slow your pace a bit and ease us into the crisis. If you love your first line (as I do!), consider telling us more about the beach painting she does. Is it cheerful? Is the family in it? Or is it a stormy day at the beach? Is her dad leaving a complete surprise? Or has she been waiting for this shoe to drop (and hoping it wouldn’t)? You can show us a lot about what she’s feeling and thinking through her art — which in turn would give us the connection to her that we need to care about the bomb that’s going off in her family.

Halli: Thank you so much for sharing your story. I can see this will be a sweet and emotional story, and I can’t wait to get to know your character better. I agree with the comments above about there being a lot going on, past, present, and people in these 400 words. I know the first pages are really tough because you want a hook, you want people to know your character, and set up the story, but I believe the most important thing is getting to know and like the main character. I would like to know her more before everything else is thrown in. Maybe a little about her relationship with her dad. Also, a little thought, I believe a 14 year-old main character would put in more in the YA category. Would your story work as a YA? Or could you make her a couple years younger? Thanks!