Thank you to all the brave souls who entered this month’s Four on 400 contest!
Sharing your writing takes courage, and we appreciate your enthusiasm for our contest. Below, we’ve posted the first 400 words from this month’s winner, along with feedback from at least four of our members. We also encourage our readers to share their (constructive) and encouragement in the comments section below.
Middle Grade Fantasy: THE SPELL DEALER
“Spells of Blood and Fire,” grunted a huge man in a dark cloak. He leaned heavily over the counter which groaned under his weight.
Sofee remained silent but gave him a hard look. Her neck angled sharply upward to see into his face. The patterned gold rim of his hood cast a shadow over the man’s eyes, but she could see the corner of his mouth twitch impatiently. His massive form spanned almost the entire width of the main aisle of Sofee’s book shop, Sophistry Books. Behind him were tightly packed bookshelves interspersed with vertical rows of vines and budding plants. Their leaves turned up to face the fading rays of afternoon sunlight streaming in through the skylights. The delicate aroma of flowers mixed with old books wafted through the building.
“Do you have a copy?!” the man boomed. A row of potted succulents on the counter rattled with the force of his voice.
“What’s the password?” Sofee asked, drumming her sharp black nails against the counter.
Even though the man’s face was mostly in shadow, Sofee could sense him rolling his eyes. “Doll’s eye,” he replied. Sofee crossed her arms. She was short and slender but her glimmering shawl cut an imposing silhouette against the tapestry behind her. The man slammed his enormous fists to the counter, “Look girl, I buy from you every week, you know who I am!”
“That’s last month’s password. This month’s password is ‘digitalis.’ I have to keep the humans out somehow and I don’t make exceptions for anyone,” Sofee snapped.
The man opened his mouth to argue but Sofee reached up and yanked a heavy rope hanging beside her. There was a brief pop of light in front of her as the spell activated. A crossbar cracked into place across the front door and the windows blackened. There was a loud grinding as the shelves of dusty books on every wall of the tiny shop rotated to reveal new shelves of spellbooks, glass encased relics and rare magical oddities.
Where tourist-friendly books on magic crystals and poetic love spells once sat, were now shelves dedicated to ancient tomes, vials of shimmering substances, and delicately preserved plants; all labeled in Sofee’s meticulous script. On one wall, a dark figure now bobbed back and forth inside a thick, silver-framed mirror.
Halli: This story is full of magic and mystery! You do such an amazing job with description, I have a fully formed picture in my mind of the bookstore and the man. Description is obviously a strong point for you and I can imagine how wonderful a full-length novel will be. I have two comments for you to think about. First, There is a lot written about the man and the bookstore, but we don’t know anything about Sofee. If she is the main character, I’d like to know more about her first. The second comment is that I would like to see Sofee’s emotions and reactions to the man and the situation. This would help us get to know her a little better. Thank you so much for sharing!
Michelle: I agree with Halli about the great descriptive writing. Wowza! That’s definitely your strength. I’m not a big fan of starting a story with dialogue. Maybe you could start with Sofee noting the man’s approach before he speaks. Also, Sofee seems blank to me, and that means I don’t know if I like her (or if I’m rooting for her) or not. By the first page, we need a reason to have sympathy for your MC so that we want her to succeed. Allow us to get closer to her by giving us a little insight into what she’s thinking, the difficulty of her burden, etc. Best of luck!
Rebecca P: I’m 100% on board with more Sofee! Especially since she’s presumably the 12-year-old owner of a magical bookstore? I’m so here for that, but since it’s virtually the only reference the reader has about her, we default to thinking she’ s an adult (since that’s who usually owns bookstores :). I also must comment that there is a lot of emphasis on the man’s great size/weight. Coupled with rudeness, it’s a stereotype I’m very over. If his size is important, if he’s not the/an antagonist, then maybe it works? But maybe, too, other elements can be described as key character traits. Pretty much every adult will be bigger than Sofee, so the point of showing us that she’s not intimidated can be accomplished with virtually anyone a few years older than her–someone tall, elderly, loud, who smells strongly, etc. Happy writing!
Karin L.: Well done, you’ve created a magically bookish world here! Your descriptions are vivid, but sometimes a little repetitive. For example, you say that the man’s face was shadowed twice in the second and fifth paragraphs. As the others noted, we know little about Sofee other than she gives the man a hard look. But if he comes in every week, wouldn’t she recognize him? Does he always forget his password? What does she think of the spell book that he’s requesting? If you replace some of your descriptions with her thoughts on these, this opening will be even stronger. Thank you for sharing!