Thank you to all the brave souls who entered this month’s Four on 400 contest!
Sharing your writing takes courage, and we appreciate your enthusiasm for our contest.
Below, we’ve posted the first 400 words from this month’s winner, along with feedback from at least four of our members. We also encourage our readers to share their (constructive) suggestions and encouragement in the comments section below.
YA Fantasy: Ethereal
The wyva’s obsidian eyes gleamed from within the cedar forest. Tenah straightened up from plowing wheat fields as she spotted them, sweat dripping from her brow and her lower back biting with a relentless pain. Her rake hovered just above the tilled soil, frozen in her left hand as her mind whirled to process the unwelcome visitor.
It slunk from the forest into golden daylight filtered through a smattering of fluffy clouds, and her heart stuttered. She ground her boots into the soil, gripping her rake tighter in preparation of taking down another nightmarish beast. Blood hammered her veins, despite her slow, centering breaths.
And then dense, fur-covered muscle rolled over bone as the wyva lurched into a sprint through the waist-high crops straight toward Tenah’s cottage. Great claws tore up budding crops and soil, and Tenah charged forward, a mouth full of curses and the rake held high like a weapon. Meena was inside prepping stew. Half-deaf, the old woman would be oblivious to the creature about to descend upon her.
Fueled by the infamous temper of the Vozarian, Tenah pumped her arms and legs as fire crackled to life in her magical channels without her summoning it from the Void. Her fingers quivered out of fear. Not fear of the wyva, but of herself and her ever-growing power. If she didn’t kill the wyva, it would consume Meena. If she did kill it, she might very well wipe out the farm with her magic this time.
She crossed the fields in record time. Wind howled in her ears, feathery crops whooshed by in a dizzying blue, and long locks of sun-ripened hair whipped behind her from a high ponytail.
Two more wyva prowled from the trees. Their dark magic hit her like a physical blow, and she sucked at the air to refill her lungs as she ran. It had an overwhelming metallic taste to it, one she’d not detected on other wyva she’d fought. The prickle of it against her skin felt like electrical discharge from a violent storm.
Where were they all coming from? And out of all the farms and villagers to pester, why had they come here? Tenah had spent a decade wasting away in these fields, willing crops to grow, whispering into their roots, and praying the Ancients would bless them with a bountiful harvest.
Gita: Thank you for sharing the opening of Ethereal with us! There is a lot to love here: a fierce heroine, mysterious dark-magic creatures, a country in suffering. There are also lovely things happening on the sentence level: I especially liked this detail from your description of the wyva running: “fur-covered muscle rolled over bone.” Because there’s so much here, I would encourage you to slow down a bit. So much is happening in this opening that the characters and the setting—the things that will hook us and make us care about the threats—aren’t developed enough. For example, how close is Tenah to the forest? Can she see the wyva? Hear it before it comes? If you were to give us glimpses of the escalating threat as you develop your characters (and the world), you would build a lot of tension and suspense into the scene before the wyva actually attacks. And we would be hooked! Good luck and happy writing!
Halli: Thanks for participating! You did a great job of getting us right into action and setting up a little about Tenah, determined to save others while clearly unsure about her magic. She is definitely a character readers will want to get behind. As Gita mentioned, there is a lot happening here. Slowing down will give readers a chance to understand Tenah and the immediate threat first. In addition, the sentences seem to be a little heavy on descriptions, adjectives, and showing. For me, it slowed the action down, but will be wonderful in slower scenes. Good luck!
Rebecca P: I appreciate how clearly you establish Tenah’s immediate problem: “If she didn’t kill the wyva, it would consume Meena. If she did kill it, she might very well wipe out the farm with her magic this time.” Unfortunately, I don’t have a clear picture of the wyva. Like Halli mentioned, I have a lot of descriptions but not of the one thing I really want to see. Are the wyva more dragon-like or wolf-like? Is a rake, combined with her magic, truly an effective weapon or will she rely solely on her magic with the rake mostly for reassurance, the feeling she has something to defend herself and Meena in case her magic fails? What if this opens with Tenah raking and repairing a section of scorched earth (or other manifestation of her magic out of control/past attack), and Tenah feels the worry about controlling her ability. That may establish Tenah’s character and place a bit more so when we leap into the action, we’re a little more grounded and fearful for the outcome. I hope this helps!
Richelle: Thank you for sharing this powerful opening. I agree with my fellow Pennies — there is a LOT here! I really liked the menace of the wyva and the physical description of Tenah’s fear, which brought me into the scene in a very visceral way. I really like Rebecca’s suggestion of introducing Tenah and her magic (and maybe working Meena and their relationship in there, too) briefly before the wyvas attack. That gives the reader the chance to invest a bit more in the characters. There are a lot of intriguing hints here — the Vozarian temper, the wyva attacking their farm in particular, Tenah’s uncontrolled magic — that I’m interested in seeing play out. With a bit more breathing space and character grounding, you’ll have no trouble drawing readers in!