Thank you to all the brave souls who entered this month’s Four on 400 contest!

Sharing your writing takes courage, and we appreciate your enthusiasm for our contest.Below, we’ve posted the first 400 words from this month’s winner, along with feedback from at least four of our members. We also encourage our readers to share their (constructive) suggestions and encouragement in the comments section below.

Young Adult: WALLIS AND ADDIE 

The motion detector light flashed on, flooding the alley.

“Shit!”  Addie grabbed my hand and we pressed ourselves against the bricks.  A raccoon the size of a black lab hissed at us and retreated to the shadows knocking over the neighbour’s garbage can.  My heart was jackhammering in my chest.  Somewhere a dog barked, but the house at our backs stayed quiet.

“Are you sure you still want to do this?” Addie had this worried face.  “If dad catches us, he’ll-“

“Ground us?”  I was barely whispering.  “Good. Then we won’t have to get up before sunrise to leave behind everything we have ever known and loved.”

Addie blinked, pale in the bright beam of the security light, her hair pulled back in a thick, golden pony tail like a cheerleader.  She was a cheerleader, before she joined the flag football team and took over yearbook.  Above our heads, the bathroom window stayed dark.  I could hear the renters across the street out on the porch.  The air smelled like leaf piles and pot.

 “Okay.  Let’s be quick.”   Addie wrapped herself up in her bare arms.  Fall was creeping in but she never wore long sleeved shirts.   She said they tied her down.

“Aren’t you going to open the gate?”

“I’m not breaking in.”

“It’s our backyard.”  I shrugged. “Well.  Was”

“This is dumb.  Let’s just go to Tuan’s on the corner.  That’s where I got the cigarettes.  He sells them from the pack.  I’ll teach you how to inhale.”

“I can’t go until I get what I came for.  He’s going to tear the playhouse down, you know.”

Dad built me and Addie the  playhouse in the backyard when we were kids.   The house was heated and it had electricity, so it was like a real house witha little loft and a couple of futon mattresses so we could sleepover. Addie and I planned to spend the night before she left for University in it. That wasn’t going to happen now. Nothing was going to happen like we planned.

“Okay Wallis.”  Addie got down on one knee in the alley.  “Climb.” I climbed on her leg, scrambling up and over the fence.  When I hit the ground, I froze.  The back of the house was all windows and I could see right inside. I hadn’t seen it since he’d renovated it, since everything had changed.

Richelle: I really like the tension and atmosphere of this opening! I like that there’s a clear goal, stakes, danger and mystery all in these first 400 words — well done! I did wonder right away if you could give that first line more punch. I like the abrupt dark to light switch and that we immediately get the alley setting, but I found myself wanting it to do a tiny bit more, expose more than just the alleyway. Even adding something like “flooding the alley and illuminating Addie’s scuffed converse” could give us just a bit more grounding and tie us emotionally to that first line a bit better. The line of dialogue “…leave behind everything we have ever known and loved” seemed a tiny bit stilted to me for the situation and for the voice in the rest of the excerpt. Watch for passive construction — “My heart was jackhammering” and “I was barely whispering” would be stronger without the “was”. And consider using past perfect for the flashback-y sections (e.g./”Dad had built…” and “Nothing was going to happen like we’d planned.” Those are all pretty nitpicky comments, though — you’ve done a fantastic job setting up this story, and I would definitely read on!

Kristi: I agree with Richelle. I had some nitpicky comments on the passive construction, too. That’s an easy fix: My heart jackhammered/ I barely whispered. I also picked up on the line: “Addie had this worried face.” This line is prime real estate to hint at deeper characterization. Even changing “this” to “that” gives me a stronger impression of the kind of sister Addie is. I’d punch that line up to peel back a layer of Addie. Richelle also mentioned the line “leave behind everything we have ever known and loved”, that jumped out at me too. Not only does the tone sound off from the rest, it’s too early to give us everything. I like the little hints of “It’s our backyard… Well. Was.” That was perfect! I also loved that the air smelled like “leaf piles and pot”! You’ve done a great job setting the stage. I’d love to know what she’s going in to get and where this leads! Thanks for sharing with us. x

Michelle: What a great opening! I agree with what Richelle and Kristi said above. I have a few nitpicks too. There’s a detail about Addie that threw me out of the great tension you’ve set up here. I’m not sure we need to know that she used to be a cheerleader and now plays football and writes for the newspaper because it doesn’t seem related to the action. I’m also a little confused about their living situation. It seems like they’ll be packing up and moving and they spend a lot of time with Dad from the details at the beginning of this opening, but at the end he seems to have done a major renovation that they knew nothing about. Maybe that will all be explained in the next sentence or so, but it gave me questions. Other than that, I’d definitely read more. You’ve done a great job of showing how different Addie and Wallis are up front, so kudos to you. Best wishes!

Julie: I agree with what the others have said about the passive construction, need for past-perfect, and details about cheerleading. But I also think you’ve got a lot of emotional telling here that borders a bit on cliche. What does Addie’s worried face look like? Can you convey the feeling of tension with a heart jackhammering? You’ve got some great setting description and have created a lot of tension in a short space. Punching up the characterization and giving us a little bit more of their internal goals/stakes will make this even stronger. Thanks for being part of Four on 400.