Thank you to all the brave souls who entered this month’s Four on 400 contest!

Sharing your writing takes courage, and we appreciate your enthusiasm for our contest.Below, we’ve posted the first 400 words from this month’s winner, along with feedback from at least four of our members. We also encourage our readers to share their (constructive) suggestions and encouragement in the comments section below.

 

 

Middle Grade Fantasy: The Centurion

 

PROLOGUE

Hidden in the northernmost point of the Arctic Ocean, among a maze of pale blue glaciers and snow-covered islands, there is a small but bustling metropolis called the North Pole.

You may have heard of it, though you certainly haven’t seen it, for there is an ever-present umbrella of snow flurries and fog, concealing the magical city from the outside world. But underneath that veil, there’s a hidden civilization complete with thousands of elves, homes, schools, factories, shops, parks, theaters and, of course, Santa Claus.

And among them all, there is one very special elf indeed.

See the crowd of elves walking down Main Street in East Elf Village? Good. Now, look right, towards Evergreen Lane. There’s a simple row of festive Christmas trees, flocked in sparkling snow.

Oh, I can’t fool you! No, they aren’t really trees at all! For underneath that glaze of icy white snow, there are no pine needles or twigs – no sap or branches. They still look like trees, but they’re houses, built with nails and boards.

Keep going. Six houses down, on the right: 1225 Evergreen Lane. That’s the home of a little elf called Spikael, named for his Grandpa Spike on his mother’s side, and his grandfather Michael on his father’s.

Do you see him? He’s walking out of his front door right now! Yes! There he is! That’s Spikael!

Oh, I suppose he doesn’t look particularly special. Like every other full-grown List Elf, he measures just about three pinecones high, with skinny little arms and legs, rosy cheeks, and a nearly ever-present smile. Aside from a few prominent freckles upon his nose, nothing about him much stands out.

But then again, the magic of Christmas doesn’t really come from what we see, does it? It comes from what we believe….

CHAPTER 1

Spikael skipped down Evergreen Lane in the direction of Main Street, eager to meet his father for a warm cup of hot chocolate.

“Hello, Dad!” Spikael called.

Spikael’s father, Romeo, was 350 years old and had a head full of messy white hair. He looked like a cross between Spikael and Albert Einstein.

“Good afternoon, Spikael!” Romeo replied, handing his son a hefty mug topped with a pile of melting whipped cream.

“Thanks,” Spikael said, carefully sipping the milky brown liquid.

“How was your game of hide-and-seek this morning?” his dad asked with interest.

Michelle: Congratulations on being this month’s winner! Looks like a fun and festive read. Your writing is very vivid and energetic, which is a great way to start. I have two suggestions. 1) Have you tried writing the prologue in a way that doesn’t break the 4th wall quite so much? I love when the author talks directly to me in small doses, but I think this needs to be dialed back just a bit. For example, telling the reader to look in certain directions seems just a wee bit over the top since we can’t actually see anything. 2) Look for places that you can show instead of tell. For example, I love the description here: Spikael’s father, Romeo, was 350 years old and had a head full of messy white hair. He looked like a cross between Spikael and Albert Einstein. If you could work this description into the action somehow, it would be even better. Good luck!

Laurel: The clear, enthusiastic style of this excerpt is appealing for the right readers. It reminds me of Ellis Weiner’s The Templeton Twins, also written with a strong narrator who directly addresses the reader. From The Templeton Twins‘ reviews (Publisher’s Weekly and the Common Sense Media), it’s easy to see that readers feel strongly (both +++ and —) about this technique.

If this were my project, I’d really want to hone in on target audience expectations so that the readers who like it, love it. From the excerpt, I can’t quite tell if the narrator is mostly a frame (like Michael Ende’s The NeverEnding Story) or if you have incorporated the voice all the way through (perhaps William Goldman’s The Princess Bride).

If this how-else-can-I -satisfy-my-ideal-reader interests you, one way to approach it would be to study GoodReads reviews for comp titles you enjoy, consciously identify tropes that match your story, and build in as many as possible. This post mentions a few other examples of Second Person narrators including the Choose Your Own Adventure books, and the You Wouldn’t Want to Be series. Three pinecones high is such a fun measurement. Best wishes in finding just the right readers for your story!

Halli: Thank you for sharing! This sounds like such a fun story and your descriptions are well done. I love the three pinecones high. For the prologue and the 4th wall, I’m with Michelle on that. I do love when the author speaks directly to me, it’s not the norm in books so it can be very interesting and fun, but it’s critical not to overdo it. One other thing, this is just a little pet peeve of mine, but you used Spikael’s name at least once in five of the six sentences in chapter 1. I am always concerned about word count and sometimes taking out repeating words leaves you a lot more room for descriptions and emotions. Thanks again for sharing!

Jessica: In general, I’m not a fan of prologues but in this case, I think it’s working for you (I especially liked the first and last lines). I tend to agree that the direct address feels a little heavy-handed at times (take a look at the “I can’t fool you” and “Do you see him”). In addition, I’d encourage you to look for some way to infuse the opening of Chapter One with tension. It doesn’t have to be anything bad or scary, but there has to be something that hooks me, makes me wonder or worry about what’s going to happen so that I keep reading. As it stands, it’s interesting that he’s an elf, but I’d love for you to find a way to immerse us in Spikael’s (great name, btw) world–what is it that’s truly unique and/or compelling? What will intrigue me or grip me such that I can’t put the book down? Consider starting your story there! Good luck in your revisions and thanks for participating!

Julie: You’ve gotten some great feedback already on how to finesse breaking the 4th wall, infusing tension, and showing vs. telling. I’d just add to watch out for overuse of the exclamation point! I definitely don’t think you need to make this first narrated snippet a prologue–it can just be the first bit of chapter one, thereby insulting the story from the anti-prologue crowd. I love the vivid description of the North Pole, but am less intrigued by the characters. How can you draw us in right away to their story so that we’ll stick with you beyond the first few pages? Best of luck!