Thank you to all the brave souls who entered this month’s Four on 400 contest!

Sharing your writing takes courage, and we appreciate your enthusiasm for our contest.Below, we’ve posted the first 400 words from this month’s winner, along with feedback from at least four of our members. We also encourage our readers to share their (constructive) suggestions and encouragement in the comments section below.

MG Contemporary: THE ALIEN, SECRET IN THE CAVE

“Keep your eyes closed and concentrate,” Sara whispered.

In a dark corner of her attic, a candle flickered in the center of a small wooden table. Across it, I could see Sara’s eyes tightly closed, but I was not about to shut mine. I didn’t like that attic in the daytime.

Surrounded by furniture with carved animal faces, old lamps, and smelly leather trunks, I sat beneath a cobweb-covered window holding hands with Jack Flemming and Sara Hannaman to form an unbroken circle. Next to the candle, flatly spread out on the table, was a torn faded map with the name Willy Loomans scribbled on.

“If you are here, Willy Loomans, speak to us,” Sara said in a slow smooth voice. “We call upon you to tell us about this map.”

A chill shivered through me, as the flame went out. I pulled my hands away and grabbed the string that dangled from an incandescent bulb on the ceiling, lighting up the room.

“Franklin! What are you doing?” Sara screeched. “You’ve ruined it!”

“I’m going home, that’s what.” I slid my chair away from the table. “I’m not doing this.”

“But Willie was here. I’m sure of it. And he’s the only one who can tell us about the map.”

“We don’t even know who Willie is.” I stood up and backed into a wooden coat rack. “You could be trying to conjure up some mass murderer for all we know. And you don’t even know if he’s really dead. You just said he disappeared.”

“Without a trace!” Sara snapped. “He just went out in the woods one night and never came back. And nobody ever saw him or heard from him again.”

She refolded the map glaring at me. “And, Willy was not a mass murderer. He was a trusted farmhand that lived this attic.”

“Well if his map was so important, why’d he tear it in half and just leave it here, and not come back for it?”

“If it wasn’t important, why did he hide it inside a wall?”

“It’s getting kind of late,” Jack said. “We should probably forget about doing this tonight.”

Sara shot me another squint-eyed look. “There’s too many negative, Franklin Bowman vibes in here now anyway.”

“You know, we could check the library,” Jack said. “See if they have any information about old maps or hidden treasures from when Willy lived here.”

Richelle: I can tell this is going to be a fun, adventurous story. I’d love to see you take your time with this opening, maybe give us more atmosphere — noises, smells, spooky shadows, etc. — and more pauses to really amp up the tension and creep-factor. Maybe give us more characterization of the three kids, too, to help anchor us vividly in this moment. Who’s the ringleader/skeptic/believer/peacemaker? Do any of them have any distinctive gestures or patterns of speech or clothes they always wear? Also, watch out for little details: Willy was spelled two different ways, and there’s a missing “in” in the sentence “He was a trusted farmhand that lived this attic.” I really like the energy — good luck!

Michelle: Ooo. Spooky opening! So great for this age group. I wanted to feeling tingling on my skin when I read this, but it just wasn’t quite there yet. Sensory details and a few interesting words would really help amp up the atmospheric quality of this opening. I noticed a misplaced modifier: She refolded the map glaring at me. The map’s not glaring at him, so you need to move “Glaring at me,…” to the beginning of the sentence. Based on their dialogue, it appears you have some interesting characters. Best of luck with your writing!

Laurel: There are lots of interesting details in the excerpt that evoke atmosphere! I’m puzzling over what kind of story this will turn out to be. For example, the title The Alien makes me think the story will be sci-fi, but Secret in the Cave sounds like it might be more like Tom Sawyer or Nancy Drew. “I didn’t like the attic in the daytime” is a great line and would be even better if I knew if it was daytime or not in this scene. The name Willy Loomans is very close to the famous character in Arthur Miller’s Death of a Salesman, Willy Loman, so I wondered if this is an attempt to get in touch with a dead character or an imaginary character. Later it comes out that Willy might be “missing.” After years of over-complicating my stories and hiding things, I now ask myself: “Is this clear? Can the reader follow? What promises do I want to make now that I know how the story comes out?” For me, “Set-up” is about putting the reader in a place where you can make them happy by delivering. Best wishes for your success!

Halli: I LOVE this! It’s spooky, mystery, middle grade dynamics! I especially love when Franklin said “You just said he disappeared.” and Sara snapped back with “Without a trace!” as if that phrase is the one and only criteria for determining if someone is dead. Clever writing! You’ve done a great job. I agree with the comments above – misspellings, etc, but those are easy fixes. My only question is with the title. It mentions an alien so if this is a science fiction story (although it’s listed as contemporary) I would just give a hint about that in the first page. Maybe something like a flash of light the night Willy disappeared. Just so your reader knows what kind of story he/she is getting into. Thanks for sharing!