Thank you to all the brave souls who entered this month’s Four on 400 contest!
Sharing your writing takes courage, and we appreciate your enthusiasm for our contest.
Below, we’ve posted the first 400 words from this month’s winner, along with feedback from at least four of our members. We also encourage our readers to share their (constructive) suggestions and encouragement in the comments section below.
YA Contemporary: GOING NOWHERE
In September of my senior year in high school, I came down with strep throat. I never recovered. But don’t worry — this isn’t a story narrated by a dead girl. At least not literally.
Metaphorically is another story.
Sigh. Metaphorically. I could have done so well in college.
College Drop-Out Day 1
I should have been in Survey of Psychology this morning. Monday, Wednesday, Friday, 9 to 9:50am, Scholton Hall. I registered for my spring semester back in November thinking maybe a miracle could happen and I wouldn’t flunk out of college. I blame my parents for that false hope. For years they’ve been regaling me with stories of students who couldn’t seem to do well on exams, yet showed up to every class, hand raised, genuinely interested in learning, and then coming to their office hours with such enthusiasm you would have thought they were giving away free pizza. At least that’s how my parents tell it:
Suzie-Tries-So-Hard really earned a C, but I’m bumping her up to a B-. She stood at my office door every morning after I gave back an exam to discuss where she went wrong. She didn’t even ask me to change any of her grades! What about Gavin-Gave-It-His-All, who was so close to a solid A? Remember when he offered me his umbrella in the downpour that day I had to present at colloquium? What’s a half a percent for such a great guy?
Maybe if I had showed up to office hours (or class) I wouldn’t have completely flunked out. I couldn’t help it though. As an in-coming freshman, I had slim pickings when it came to course selections. That’s how I ended up with 8am classes five days a week, followed by 9am classes on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and then Tuesday and Thursday nights I got stuck with 6-9pm night classes. That kind of schedule is a narcoleptic’s nightmare. Haha, pun totally intended. By the way, this pun only makes sense if you know what narcolepsy is. And I mean the real-life version of narcolepsy, not the used-to-get-a-laugh-in-movies-and-TV-shows Hollywood version.
In case you don’t know, let me tell you … Zzzzzzzz.
Oh, sorry. I dozed off for a moment. See what I did there? Propagated the Hollywood
version just for a laugh.
Propagated. Another good college word.
Kristi: Thank you so much for sharing your work with us! I have to say my initial reaction to the first few lines was that the voice sounds very young. Not at all YA, but then the paragraph that starts: Maybe if I’d showed up to class… That finally hit the right tone for me. BUT, I’m going to have to say that at the end I felt it fell back into more of an MG voice. Having said all of that, I do love the references to good college words. I think the overall big problem I have is that this is all telling me the past. I want to be right now. It’s okay to give me a few hints about the past, but this is feeling too much. Is there a way you can start further along in your story and show us all of this? I think if you do that we will really feel engaged with your character.
Michelle: You have a great sense of humor, which is important in keeping your reader entertained. I think you need to reconsider this as a YA story. Generally, the industry rule is that YA includes kids ages 13-18 who are high school, living high school experiences. College-aged kids are considered adult. Maybe you could make Suzie a ninth grader? Also, be really careful with breaking the 4th wall. It’s very difficult to pull off unless you are a very experienced writer. Kristi’s suggestions will also help us relate to Suzie better and will make for a stronger opening. Best of luck!
Richelle: Your opener is full of energy, humor and voice, which made me want to read more. But I agree with Kristi and Michelle that the voice and the age of the character aren’t jiving and might not work for a YA audience. (Unless this is a precocious teen protagonist going to college early?) I would really like to see Suzie interacting with her environment — including some good sensory details — before I get a rundown of her dilemma. Right now everything we’re getting is internal, and mixing in a picture of how she deals with external factors (like getting up for an early class, struggling through getting dressed, dealing with other people, etc.) could make for a richer, more grounded opening. Good luck!
Halli: Thanks for sharing! I love the first three lines. Very engaging and fun, and I like the sarcastic voice. I do agree with the comments above about the first few pages not moving forward. The paragraphs you’ve written here could definitely be used in another part of the book, but in these beginning pages, you really want to focus on moving your story forward. About the age/college/YA question, where I live, we have something called Middle College where high school seniors do part high school courses and part college college courses. If it’s crucial to your story that it takes place in a college setting, this may be an option. However, that would have to be made clear at the beginning so the reader understands the age of the protagonist. Thank you again for sharing!