Thank you to all the brave souls who entered this month’s Four on 400 contest!

Sharing your writing takes courage, and we appreciate your enthusiasm for our contest. Below, we’ve posted the first 400 words from this month’s winner, along with feedback from at least four of our members. We also encourage our readers to share their (constructive) suggestions and encouragement in the comments section below.

Middle Grade: How Batly the Bat became an Air Traffic Controller

It was a warm summer evening with a big round moon in the sky. Moon shine fell on the treetops, and in a little glade in the middle of a forest. A hill covered with greenery, soared about the glade hiding an entrance to a white stone cave. The wind played gently with the leaves, now and then causing them to rustle momentarily. The sound fleetingly disturb the forest’s animals, but the murmuring of a nearby river and the chirring of crickets quickly to their slumber.

Something was about to disturb this idyllic scene, and this is where the story begins. Two groups of bats collided near the glade where the north and west forest borders met. A squad of batmedics poured out of the cave, screeching and dressed in white coats, carrying stretchers in their paws. They rushed straight to the injured bats and bandaged the patients from head to toe and transported them to bat’s hospital in the cave.

The paramedics struggled to get through the mess of the winged crowd, flying around in panic, in the big hall in the cave. They flew above musicians struggling to move their instruments into the bar. Then, they flew through a myriad of minute lights being prepared to decorate the cave. They weaved through a group of youngsters returning from school who were swarming like feral bees and turning sharply in front of them. Mr Winter lurched dangerously into their path whilst hiding a small flask in the inner pocket of his jacket. Finally, safety was in sight, as two openings appeared at the end of a narrow crack. They flew joyfully through the opening to the hospital avoiding Mrs Frida unpredictably handing out flyers about a new offer in her fast-food restaurant in front of the bar.

When entered the hospital, the batmedics and their patients were no longer in danger.

Injured patients were placed on beds crammed into the hospital. Nurses in white coats and caps sighed as they moved quietly to treat the new patients. Everywhere was quiet. Even the usually noisy police officers, who investigated accident, did not disturb the peace. The bar was definitely not so quiet. Charlie, the bartender, watched as bats flew here and there…

Kristi: The idea of this book feels fun and I love bats, so I really wanted to be sucked in. Unfortunately, I think you have mislabeled this as MG when it’s probably a picture book or an early reader chapter book. It’s extremely important that you understand which age group you’re writing for so that how you tackle your story speaks to them and captures their imagination and attention. One hindrance that kept popping up was the over use of adverbs. Also, I was thrown off by the mention of bar and a bartender in a middle grade book. As it is, I find this more of a picture book, in which case you could pare down the writing and leave some of the crowded details for the illustrations. If you really want this to be MG, read The Girl Who Drank the Moon by Kelly Barnhill, Milo Speck by Linda Urban, The One and Only Ivan by Katherine Applegate, and Flora & Ulysses by Kate DiCamillo to name a few books that feature animals heavily. You definitely have the imagination and creativity to create a great story, now it’s time to hone your craft and find where your voice fits.

Richelle: I, too, love bats, and I like the idea of getting a view into a bat society. I agree with Kristi that this felt more like a story for early readers. I also struggled to understand where the story was taking place and who all the different characters are. Is the bar and restaurant in the cave? Are they run by bats or people/other creatures? It seems like something traumatic has happened, but I’m unclear on why the bats/creatures are scrambling around? What are they reacting to? I feel like I need more grounding in the scene and an introduction to the character(s) I’m meant to care about before I can get interested in the crisis at hand. This sounds like a fun story — have fun working on it!

Michelle: I too really want to know more about this crisis. Have you considered starting your story with showing the collision (not just summarizing it) and giving us clues as to why it has happened? That would be a great way to get us on board and have sympathy for the bats. It also seems like the bats are in the midst of a celebration when the collision occurs. Knowing more about what they are celebrating will ground us in this scene and help us relate to the bat community. Otherwise, we have a lot of bats moving around, but we have no idea why. You have a great imagination and lovely descriptions. Keep at it and best of luck!

Rebecca P: I second the wonderful advice above. One more element to think about, “How can you use characteristics of real bats to strengthen your story?” For example, bats use echolocation to fly in swarms without collisions. So an accident would be a massive shock to everyone. It’s a wonderful inciting incident! A bat collided with another bat? How could that possibly have happened? Is something wrong with one of the bats? Has something disrupted echolocation for all? The potential story could be about a bat who has a handicap, or a mystery about why suddenly bat echolocation skills have gone haywire. However, the title and some of the action suggests accidents are common–they have need for a flight director and have an industry of caregivers already in place. This is exactly opposite to what readers know about bats, which makes me wonder, “Why are the main characters bats?” Generally, when animals are the main characters, elements of their innate traits are part of the story and help to solve the main problem in the end. I’d love to see you use your research about bats, including current problems bats face in our human-infested world, to make your story shine.