Thank you to all the brave souls who entered this month’s Four on 400 contest!

Sharing your writing takes courage, and we appreciate your enthusiasm for our contest. Below, we’ve posted the first 400 words from this month’s winner, along with feedback from at least four of our members. We also encourage our readers to share their (constructive) suggestions and encouragement in the comments section below.

HAUNT ME (YA Contemporary Supernatural)

By the time I considered running, I was three hundred miles gone and my cell phone battery was dead. Dad’s car smelled like ashes. The heater didn’t work and I didn’t know what name to call him. 

“How much longer?” I said. 

He fumbled for cigarettes, lit a match with his thumbnail, and said the same thing he’d been saying since we left the city, nothing. No joke. Hours of silence. Neither of us mentioned Mom. The farther we went, the darker it got. Dark as the edge of nowhere. Darker than anywhere I’d ever been, not that I’d been anywhere except New York City. The headlights barely swept it away. The rearview mirror was full of emptiness. 

When he finally parked at the end of a long snow-covered road and stepped outside, I followed him into a night so cold I was sorry to have skin.  Light fell from every window of a tall, gabled house, pooled on the ice and slid away into the woods. Above my head a multitude of stars swam in a sky so close I could put a piece of the Milky Way in my pocket. Beautiful and silent. Lonely. I snapped the rubber band on my wrist.

 My grandmother, silhouetted in the open door, watched me drag my bag across the yard and climb two wide steps to the back porch. 

“Upstairs, first door on the right, just through the next room.” She pointed. “I made a bed up.” 

My father removed his cap and took off his gloves. “Marnie,” he said. 

She ignored his outstretched hand. It hesitated, ran through his hair and hid in his pocket. 

I carried my bag up to the room at the top of the stairs. Wood beams crossed the ceiling to a wall of windows. I looked out and beneath my feet, in the kitchen below, the back-door slammed. My father stepped off the porch and opened the car door. For a moment, I thought someone waited, slumped against the back-seat window, though it had been just the two of us on the long ride from the city. He got in and the engine started. The inside of the car went dark. The jeep accelerated, took the turn in the long driveway and disappeared, tail-lights between its legs. 

Richelle: I like the energy in this opening, and I have a really good sense of the setting. I would read on! Watch for details or phrasing that pull the reader out of the narrative. The dad’s disembodied hand taking action unconnected to him was distracting to me, as was when she says earlier that she doesn’t know what name to call “him” — is she talking about her Dad here? She just called him “Dad” in the previous sentence, so I’m not sure I understand, unless she’s just discovered he goes by different names? I also wanted just a teensy bit more from the narrator about how she feels about her situation once she arrives. Has she met the grandmother before? How does she feel about the house? Is she going up the stairs meekly, or does she still want to run? Best of luck to you as you polish this story!

Michelle: You’ve created a lot of atmosphere and tone in this opening! Based on your talent, I think you could amp this up just a bit more by taking things just a bit deeper. It seems that the narrator is a bit closed off, which is actually very appealing, but if you could give us a few clues (just words scattered here and there) to start to form some connections to understanding how she feels about Mom, grandma. Did she expect to show up at her grandma’s? Has she been here before? Is her grandmother’s cold greeting what she would have anticipated? I also agree with Richelle’s comments. The two things that pulled me out of story were the hand and not knowing what to call her dad. I’m not sure where this story is going, but “Did he even want me to call him Dad anymore?” might work and add even more tension to the opening. Very good start! I would definitely keep reading to find answers to the nice swell of questions you’ve generated. Best of luck!

Halli: Thank you for sharing and great job on setting the atmosphere! Dark as the edge of nowhere. I love that! I do have questions with the the first couple of paragraphs, basically it’s just that I need more explanation. For example, to call him Dad or not too. Also, the fact that they’ve been driving for hours and he hasn’t said a word is strange, as is the fact that he left without a word. Obviously there is an issue between the two, and a little explanation will help us understand the characters better. I wouldn’t suggest going into a lot of detail if that would reveal too much about your story, but a sentence or two would help. Again, thanks for sharing. Good luck!

Rebecca P: You’ve already received some great advice here! While the setting and situation are compelling, the MC feels a little too opaque. I need a few small reaction beats to understand how I’m meant to read this: Is she anxious? Angry? Sad? Did she leave her mom behind in a fit of temper or did her mom die? Has she met her dad or grandmother before? Is she resigned to their treatment of her or bewildered? Did she try to make conversation with her dad? If she didn’t, why? Only a few words here and there can clarify and give a stronger sense of the MC’s Voice. “Hours of silence. Even after I lost patience and sang twenty verses of Bottles of Beer.” “My grandmother. At least, that’s who I figured she must be, since Mom had left her as my guardian, not Dad.” I don’t need backstory, but some feeling will make all the difference in whether or not a reader will care enough about the MC to turn pages. Happy writing!