Thank you to all the brave souls who entered this month’s Four on 400 contest!

Sharing your writing takes courage, and we appreciate your enthusiasm for our contest. Below, we’ve posted the first 400 words from this month’s winner, along with feedback from at least four of our members. We also encourage our readers to share their (constructive) and encouragement in the comments section below.

Young Adult: Dilla’s War

CHAPTER ONE – AN EMPTY SPACE

            Stan, my best friend since kindergarten, sits next to me on our front porch. The smell of freshly mowed grass is everywhere. Freshman year of high school is over, my sixteenth birthday is a month away and I should be summertime happy but . . .

            “Looks like you’re going to be man of the house,” Stan says with his I just told a good one expression.  

            “Very funny.” Kind of funny, since I’m a girl. Maybe not so funny because I get teased for wearing jeans and a baseball cap when most of the girls in high school are into makeup and boys. 

            After a lot of not talking Stan says, “Your dad’s going to be okay.” Then adds, “Your mom too.”

            “How do you know?” The words come out angry. Stan looks down at his feet and wish I hadn’t said that, not that way. 

            “Gee, Pickle . . .” 

            My name is Dilla but everybody calls me Dill. Stan sometimes calls me Pickle. You know, because of dill pickle. I know Stan is just trying to cheer me up. Not happening; Dad leaves today.

            “Sorry,” I say. “I didn’t mean . . .”

            He looks over at me and smiles. “We’re cool.”

            Stan’s the best friend a girl ever had. I get to my feet. “I gotta go.”

            “Hope you make it to the bathroom,” Stan says with the hint of a grin. 

            I roll my eyes and flap a hand at him as I open my front door.  There is a second when I turn back and our eyes meet. “See you tomorrow,” I say. He nods and I go inside.

            Upstairs, I sit on the edge of my bed trying not to think about tomorrow. The chart I made that match up the two time zones—here in Virginia and in Afghanistan where Dad will be—is on the wall. I’ll use it to know what time it is for Dad when I’m getting up in the morning or having dinner or whatever. My computer, the only one in the house, is on my desk under the chart. Rolled up next to the desk is the poster of the AAA Richmond Braves I took down to make room for the chart. Before Dad got orders to Afghanistan we planned to see a couple of Braves games this summer. 

Richelle: I love Dilla and Stan’s playful and trusting relationship in this opening, and you’ve set up a good problem for your protagonist. I’m curious to see how she will handle her dad being overseas — something a lot of kids deal with. I did feel like this is a pretty soft opening with a lot of telling — can you think of ways to show us some of the details you share about Dilla and her relationship with Stan, rather than telling us outright? That might be a way to give the opening a bit more kick. I also wasn’t entirely sure what time period this story is set in. It has a bit of a yesteryear feel — one of the things that threw me was Dilla being self-conscious of wearing jeans and not being into makeup, both of which are the norm for teen girls where I live. Can you go deeper into what makes Dilla feel alienated from other girls? Where do they live? Do they go to a big school or a small school? Private or public? Is it a new thing that she feels out of step with other girls, or has it always been this way? Is Stan also an outsider? Or does he belong more than Dilla does? Finally, in the last paragraph, she says she’s trying not to think about tomorrow. What about tomorrow will be harder than today, when her dad leaves? What does she dread more — saying goodbye, or starting life without him? You have a good start here, and with a few more details and a bit deeper dive into your characters, it will really pop!

Jessica: I agree with Richelle––the relationship between Dill and Stan is fun and authentic and makes me want to read on. That said, I was taken aback when Stan said, “Gee, Pickle…” Up to that point, I’d assumed the story was contemporary, but this turn of phrase sounds old-fashioned. If this is historical, we need more setting cues. If it’s not, then perhaps consider having him respond with a more contemporary phrase? Having him address her as Pickle right here also felt a bit forced, like he said it just so you’d have a chance to explain her nickname rather than because it’s how a teenage boy would actually react to being snapped at by his BFF. Overall, you are off to a great start with what sounds like a fun, heartfelt story.

Rebecca P: What year this is supposed to be threw me off, too, for the same reasons above as well as Dilla’s chart. A contemporary girl would use an app.

I feel like beginning with Dad could make a stronger opening. “Dad leaves tomorrow, and Stan knows me better than anyone, but he doesn’t know what to say to make this better. No one can make this better. It’s Afghanistan. Dad’s being deployed to Afghanistan, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to last six months without my heart breaking.” (Like that, but not that. 🙂 You’ve got a great situation, but as Richelle noted, the opening feels soft. Go ahead and give us the hard news first, then everything will be infused with that tension.

Halli: Thanks for sharing! I love a story with a great pair of longtime friends and it seems like Dilla and Stan are. I do agree with the comments above. There is a lot of telling going on where you can be showing through action beats, and descriptions that are not quite necessary this early in the story such as her room, the computer, etc. Save that for a time when it can really make an impact. For example, the Braves poster and their plans to see them can bring out a lot of emotional tension later in the story. As for the beginning, this is such a deep and emotional topic, I think it can be stronger, and getting to know Dilla a little more may help. Is she a daddy’s girl? Does she know anyone else in this situation? Is there a personality trait you introduce a little later that could be used here so we get to know her a little better? Hope these suggestions help!