Thank you to all the brave souls who entered this month’s Four on 400 contest!

Sharing your writing takes courage, and we appreciate your enthusiasm for our contest.Below, we’ve posted the first 400 words from this month’s winner, along with feedback from at least four of our members. We also encourage our readers to share their (constructive) suggestions and encouragement in the comments section below.

Contemporary MG: WE’RE BUSY BEING KIDS

Prologue

I have more pets than friends. It’s okay though. I love my pets, and I don’t always love people. People suck sometimes. My pets never disappoint me. They’re always happy to see me. Always. It’s kinda crazy.

One time I yelled at my dog, Rolls. He wasn’t the one I was mad at. My sister, Grace, the princess according to my parents, had left my bedroom door open when I wasn’t home. The cat took the opportunity to go in, of course. When I got home, I was welcomed by Stripes who still had a feather stuck in his whiskers. I ran to my room as fast as I could, but it was too late. My parakeet was dead.

Stripes sauntered off as if nothing happened and Rolls came bounding into my room. “Get out!” I screamed as I pushed him out the bedroom door.

I sat on the floor holding my knees, crying into my crossed arms, surrounded by green feathers. When I finally decided to emerge, Rolls came right up to me and licked my tears away. He was the one who helped heal my pain that night. Not Grace. Not even my parents.

Nobody even knew what happened. Nobody bothered to ask where I was or if I was okay. They all assumed I was fine, I’m sure. Quiet me, who stuck to herself and didn’t ask for much.

The point is—animals are better than people. Even Stripes. Even though he killed my parakeet. I couldn’t stay mad at him. It wasn’t his fault. Not really. That was just nature.

Chapter One

I looked around the room hoping for some familiar faces from last year. Not that I had any close friends, but it would be nice to recognize at least a couple of people. No one. Not one single kid from last year.

I took a deep breath. It was going to be so weird switching classes all day. Last year, in fourth grade, we had the same teacher all day, Mrs. Martín. She was perfect. She knew me. She knew how I worked—that I liked to be alone. The teacher at the front of the room stood up and wrote her name on the board. Then she looked around the room at each of us, jotting something down on a notepad after each glance. Whenever a kid walked in, she wrote something down too.

Halli: I love contemporary MG novels. They are so important for kids who are just beginning to find themselves. Your main character seems to know what she likes – being alone and being with animals – but I suspect she’ll want a little more as the story develops. I have a couple comments about your submission. I don’t think you need the prologue.  It is a little “telly” and I would rather learn about your character’s love of animals (and dislike of people) in more organic ways as opposed to hearing about a past incident. Show us as the story develops. Also, you start chapter one with what can be a really scary and tense scene – the start of a new school year. I would add a little bit more emotion so we can feel more of her nervousness. Thank you so much for sharing!

Richelle: I already love your narrator — she’s delightfully cranky. I agree with Halli that I’d rather start with the classroom scene and get the prologue information later on as the story develops. I moved mid-year as a kid and had the experience of walking into a classroom where I knew no one, and I still remember how my legs shook and how flat-out terrified I was to be in that situation. Your narrator doesn’t have to feel like I did, but I would love to see how she’s reacting. Is she panicking? Or is she building a shell around herself? What does she observe about these new kids? Are there animals in the classroom that she can latch onto? Is she missing her pets left at home? Thanks for sharing — and good luck!

Jessica:  I agree that it feels like you really know your character. That said, I’d love you to dig deeper to make sure you find the most compelling opening for your story. Starting with the first day of school can be a bit of a trope; what is it about this day that makes it unique to or for your character? Think about what might pull the reader in (one of my favourite tricks when I’m working on openings is to go to the bookstore and read the opening pages of lots of middle grade books).  If it ends up being the death of the bird, then make sure you flesh that out into a full scene so that we can experience it along with the main character and get to know her through how she reacts to such a traumatic life event. Thank you for sharing!

Rebecca P: I agree with all that’s been said. The only comment I might add is, “What is the big picture?” I’m not sure if this is a story about a dysfunctional family, new friendships, or even a potential animal rescue tale. All of these elements can play a part but generally only one is the lead–and that’s what you want to begin with. Especially in younger MG, which this is with a 5th grade MC, there isn’t much room for significant subplots. So I want to read a scene that sets up the main issue from the get-go. The Pennies’ own Kristi Wientge does this perfectly in Karma Khullar’s Mustache. We immediately read the most relevant facts: Karma’s family is Indian-American, she has 17 hairs on her upper lip, and her best friend does not seem as concerned about this as Karma feels she should be. Finding the best place to begin can be the most difficult part of writing a novel. Hang in there!